The Crazy World of Dating
Our 17 year old recently discovered that her dad and I met online and she was ‘amused, with a hint of confused’. She asked, “Why online? Why can’t you just meet people ‘normally’?.” Now I was the one finding it odd, as this was coming from someone whose entire generation lives online!
I don’t know about you, but how many times have you been out somewhere and randomly bumped into someone who might just be the love of your life?! I’m pretty sure that only happens in films (do let me know if you met that way!).
I asked her how her dream meeting would go and she reeled off what could have been a scene from a RomCom. She said she’d like to be standing in line for a coffee and have the man of her dreams bump into her, causing her to drop her pile of books on the floor, which he would then, as the gentleman, pick up, and their eyes would meet. The End.
Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?!
So how do people meet ‘normally’, as my lovely step-daughter puts it?
Well, the obvious one is meeting in a bar/pub/club, right? That’s the stereotypical place to find a date, isn’t it? But how many of us approach someone in said bar and end up life-long partners? (Again, do let me know if this is you!). Particularly in a time that appears to be labelling men as all sorts if they dare so much as to pay a lady a compliment…but let’s not get into that. Besides, bars and nightclubs are a far cry from the dance halls of yesteryear where our grandparent’s generation would have met.
Society has also changed over the last couple of decades with the ever-growing technological world at our finger tips. People no longer need to make small talk at a bus stop, or on a train. It’s so easy to be listening to a podcast, or an audio book, or catching up with emails, or updating social media, that people aren’t passing the time with one another socially. I remember a taxi journey home from work at 5am, about 14 years ago or so. I had the most fascinating conversation with the driver about the political situation in Egypt at that time, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! (I’m totally boring, I know!) But, it’s those types of spontaneous interactions that fall away when technology moves in to fill those gaps.
Then there’s your work place, which although can be great for meeting someone you have things in common with, it can end up being incredibly awkward, especially if you don’t work out. Once upon a time, my work place also happened to be a nightclub, and trust me, dating and breaking it off with someone you work with, whilst practically living in a venue with alcohol to drown your sorrows, isn’t a good mix.
Of course the upside to dating in your social circle, or within your workplace is that it gives you an opportunity to see one another in your ‘natural habitat’, shall we say: witness how one another behaves without the pressures of it being a date, or trying to impress anyone. This is something I think online dating doesn’t have: the ability to get to know one another from afar…but not in a stalker kinda way, just in an admirer sense.
In my view, online dating brings its own pressures to showcase the best bits, or the highlight reel of your life. The perfect version of you. It’s said that people make an instant judgement when they see someone and that’s obviously what dating apps like Tinder are based on. You see a picture or three, and a few lines of writing, and make your decision to swipe one way, or the other.
So let’s be honest, in that few seconds that you have to show who you are, you’re only going to put your best photos and a glowing write up, aren’t you? No one wants to highlight their flaws, do they? Could you imagine some people’s profile if they wrote their reality on their bio?! “Bit of a nag, takes forever to get ready, will Facebook stalk your ex-girlfriend and can’t cook.” Or, “Ladies man, likes to flirt, will not respond to texts and leaves dirty pants on the floor – wash that love”. (Let me just point out that these are entirely fictional and not based on any real people. Any likeness is a coincidence!) But you get my point. So perhaps online dating is less genuine to begin with?
I thought I’d give it a go…
In 2015 after the break up of a long term relationship the previous year, I was living in the ar*e end of nowhere, working 13hr shifts at the local hospital, so my opportunity for for meeting someone socially was limited. I occasionally visited the village pub with my neighbour, but let’s be honest, anyone you meet in your local has probably dated six others in the village, and no one wants exes on their doorstep, do they?!
Online dating seemed the way to go. It was a bit crazy to begin with. I started getting messages from all kinds of people. Many of whom I had absolutely no interest in, whatsoever. The Internet is a weird place! From that experience, I moved platforms to one where you can only connect with others if you ‘match’ and that seemed to make much more sense to me. Filter out all the nonsense and be introduced to people who are interested in, and are looking for, similar things to yourself.
In summer of 2015, (pre-not-husband) I began seeing a guy who was also in the forces (I don’t have a type, honest!) He was being posted to America, so we quit whilst we were ahead, and called it a day after a couple of months. After a month or so, I had another little look to see what other fish there were in the sea, and along came my now not-husband.
Here I’ll add a mildly amusing story. When it came to visiting my not-husband on camp in those early days, he told me how I’d have to go to the pass office and have my photo taken, take my ID, blah-blah, as I had not been before. Of course, I had to confess all at this point! I was already on the system as the previous guy was on the same base. Because of this, I’m pretty sure he thought I was just a serial military-man dater. Let me add to that, one flies helicopters, and the other fixes them. (It also turned out that they were living in opposite blocks on camp) It was a total coincidence, I promise! But I do believe in everything happening for a reason so perhaps that was just the trial run pushing me to where I needed to be? Who knows?!
My not-husband had joined the crazy world of online dating after the breakup of his marriage and unfortunately landed himself with me! When using the filters online, I had always gone for the ‘without children’ option because I just wasn’t interested in taking on a family (or anyone else’s ‘baggage’ – read that as ‘ex-wife’). For some reason, I hadn’t selected that option this time round, and I ‘matched’ with my not-husband who had 2 children from said marriage. At the time, I was chatting to him and one other; a doctor without children (or an ex-wife) but luckily for my not-husband, something just clicked with him and I binned off the doctor.
The Teenage World of Dating….
As my two stepdaughters are now of an age where they themselves are dating (15 & 17), I was curious to hear their take on it.
Currently for them, it’s still very much ‘people you meet at school’ or the ‘my friend likes your friend’ approach, but I asked them about the future and their thoughts on using the internet for finding love. Miss Seventeen is adamant she will never use online dating! I have noted our conversation and told her I’ll remind her of it in a few years time when she’s swiping her way through suitors! For now she has a steady boyfriend she met in school and they’re now in college together.
However, I found it really weird to hear someone of her generation so against an online based service, when everything they do seems to be online, including their entire school day. (I despise this! But that’s a rant for another day.) Technology is a huge part of their world, but perhaps that’s exactly why she’s opposed to it? The art of human connection is such a personal thing, perhaps it is more authentic and natural to begin a relationship by meeting in person?
Yet some people are not very good at the whole social interaction thing, especially not in a romantic sense. Anxiety makes sure of that! So perhaps for those people, the removal of those pressures is actually creating stronger connections, by providing the opportunity to get to know one another better, without self-confidence or social skills in the mix.
In my old job, one of my clients – a lady in her ‘twilight years’ we’ll call them – told me a wonderful story of how she met her husband, many moons ago. As a young lady, her mother forbid her from attending a local dance hall, “because that’s where all those squaddies hang out”. Well, I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a great place to be! She thought so too. Her and her sister snuck out and visited said dance, where she met a lovely young RAF man. A week later, he asked her to marry him and she accepted! (Much to her mother’s horror, of course!) BUT, decades later, here I am sitting with her, she has severe dementia and the aforementioned RAF man out at an aviation lecture for the evening. It just goes to show, even when your mind is slowly letting you down, it’s sometimes the simplest of things that stay with you forever!
So perhaps the way in which we meet people has a longer lasting impact than we think. Dating comes in so many forms these days and at so many different stages of people’s lives. Couples divorce, spouses pass away long before their time, and some people choose to stay single, only looking for love in later years. Whatever your situation, dating can be a daunting prospect. It can also be an exciting one too.
Online, offline, or not at all – the choice is yours!
Over and out,
