I’ve talked before about being an unmarried military spouse but here’s a quick recap (or read the full intro here) We’ve been together for over 5 years, I am step-parent to his teen girls (13 & 15) and we’ve not tied the knot.

For a military couple, some people find this odd, but for us, it just hasn’t been an issue. We own our own home and my not-husband is stationed nearby. He has been married before and was scarred for life by the experience – okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you catch my drift. I, on the other hand have never been married, engaged, or even considered the idea.

My views on marriage aren’t complicated really, I think it’s a wonderful thing and if it suits you, do it. I grew up with unmarried parents which gave me my double-barreled surname (read more about names and marriage here). My parents did eventually marry after 34 years but it was sadly forced by the ill health of my dad who passed away just six months later (read more about that here). For them, they reached that point wondering why they hadn’t done it sooner?

Since having a baby,

I get asked a lot by the older generations, “Have you set a date now the baby is here?”, (despite not even being engaged) because ‘back in their day’ if you were ‘with child’ you’d get married…simple!

My not-husband’s late grandpa – who was in his 90s – would tell us; “When your grandmother got in the family way, I did the honourable thing“. Which of course meant marry her, so they wouldn’t have a child out of wedlock. It might be the honourable thing, but is that always the right thing?

Does doing the honourable thing mean marrying out of duty, rather than love? Do those marriages last? Do mum and dad NEED to be married? Does it create a more solid foundation? What benefits does it bring to the children or the family?

So what do I think?

I don’t think it creates a more solid foundation, no. I believe you can have an incredibly strong relationship without being married. Sometimes, getting married can actually put pressures on a relationship that wouldn’t otherwise be there! Perhaps parents or grandparents force or influence a union. And if there’s pressures, perhaps they lead to disagreements or create atmospheres, and could that ultimately lead to an unhappy home for children?

What about names?

I’ve written about those many times before (here). Prior to having our baby, I had mentioned that I was the only one in our household with my surname. My not-husband and his girls have his, and I have mine. Well, nothing has changed. I am still the odd one out!

I took real pleasure in our little boy having my name for three weeks, before registering him. Seeing his name on documents brought me great joy! It was me and my little boy, blended beautifully with his daddy and big sisters. Then came the name change and bizarrely it hit me harder than I had expected!

In the registry office, the chap asked us lots of questions, including what our baby’s surname would be. The plan was always to give him his dad’s surname but having it written and finalised made me feel really odd! We joked a lot about him having my name as it’s a big thing to me (read more here), but it was never a serious option. Despite this, the reality of it made my heart sink! Seeing it in print, all official and final really felt like he was no longer MY baby. Crazy, right?! But it really did get to me. I shared these feelings with my not-husband and he understood, which made me feel a little better about it.

I adjusted to the name change pretty quickly, and the bad feeling left me until a medical letter arrived in his new name. Seeing that gave me a pang of sadness, but it soon passed.

We then visited the doctor for his 6-week check (at 9 weeks due to Covid) and that got me once again! The doctor took our red book (baby record) and crossed out my surname and wrote his dad’s. It just felt so… I don’t know, like I was being removed somehow! Like he was erasing all trace that he was MY little boy! Again, it’s crazy I know, but that’s how it felt at the time.

So yes, the concept of marriage and name changes did cross my mind at this point. Perhaps if I had the same name as all our children, I would somehow feel more complete? But, I then ask myself, would I change my name even if we got married now? No, probably not actually. I am still proud of my name and would probably still keep it, despite being the odd one out. How I will feel when our little boy reaches school age and we have different surnames, I don’t know. But for now, I’m sticking with it!

So what about the children?

How will my little boy feel growing up knowing his mummy has a different name to him? Will he even notice or care? Do his sisters feel more connected to their new little brother because they share a name? Probably.

For me, I didn’t experience the name difference as my surname is both my parents names, so neither was left out.

Did I experience any issues with my parents not being married? No, I don’t think so? I don’t recall any problems but perhaps if I asked my mum, she might have a few. I do remember something about signing forms being difficult for dad, but I could be wrong there. It was a long time ago!

Growing up,

I’m not sure I ever noticed that my parents were not married and others were. I don’t think it meant anything to me as a child. But, being an adult, I definitely saw a different view. I guess I just turned into a hopeless romantic as I saw marriage for the joining of companions and the solidifying of love.

But it was a beautiful thing, being able to witness my parents get married after three decades together. The pride I felt and the sense of togetherness was overwhelming. It was a real family affair with my older brother giving away mum, my younger brother as best man, our girls and myself as bridesmaids, and my not-husband and sister-in-law as witnesses. It was a truly magical day and one I will cherish forever.

So for me, my parents not being married previously enabled me to share in (and help plan) the most beautiful and important day of their lives. Perhaps us not being married now, might mean that one day our children may be able to experience the same? Who knows!

But what does it mean practically?

Sure, legally it brings financial security (unless you’ve got a pre-nup) but does that only matter if you split? Or if devastatingly, one of you passes away far too early, as with my dad.

I guess if we went our separate ways then things would not be as clear cut as if we were married, but we have always said we would leave with what we came with – we’re both reasonable people. Of course situations change, like having a baby and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m an incredibly independent person. So this year, I have found it so difficult to adjust to not working or having my own income. It’s taken me nearly six years to accept ‘his money’ as ‘our money’, despite the fact we share everything. Even now, after having a baby together, I still feel uneasy using our joint card to pay for things because I didn’t earn it!

This leads me to think that if you are organised enough and have things covered, such as; life insurance policies or a will, as well as a reasonable view of your financial situation, then being married or not is irrelevant? I could be wrong! Maybe it would all go t*ts up if we decided to split. Luckily we won’t be finding out!

Since becoming a mum,

I have found my focus homed in on my own mortality far more. I worry about our little boy if anything were to happen to me! Even more so, as I’m breastfeeding, so he’s 100% reliant on me for the time being. And yes, it scares me! I get nervous about driving, not because I’m an anxious driver – I love driving – but because of the idiots on the road that I have no control over! They could rob my little boy of his mummy and there would be nothing I could do about it. These are things that never bothered me before!

Just the other day, my not-husband and I were talking about life insurance and our financial situation, should anything happen to either one of us. Granted, it isn’t the nicest of conversations to have, but it needs to be done. Being in the military comes with its owns risks for the person serving and as a family, I think it’s vital you prepare for that…whilst praying it never happens!

So yes, when viewed in that light, I do feel being married would be far more beneficial and the safer option for our little boy, but I’m still not sure it’s a necessity. We have the relevant pieces of the puzzle in place without it…I think.

But we are a military family after all, so a spanner in the works would come with an overseas posting. We’d have to be married to live overseas…or go unaccompanied again. And in that instance, we’d be marrying as a formality. And is that the right thing to do?!

So for now,

here’s where I stand. I still don’t think marriage is a necessity, even though we now have a child together. For me, it’s still just a romantic, lovely thing to do to signify your solidarity and commitment to one another.

Whilst in Scotland on our 2019 road trip, we stopped at Gretna Green (famous since 1754 for eloping couples) and added an engraved padlock to their Love Lock sign. The engraving said ‘Forever Not Husband and Not Wife‘, with our names on the back. That was our own way of signifying our love and commitment. The key to the padlock is in Loch Leven, never to be found!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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They lied!

It’s not all pink and fluffy like we’re told. Not everyone ‘enjoys’ pregnancy. Some of us struggle growing a human and THAT’S OKAY!

As I write this, it’s 0350hrs and I’m sat in my conservatory eating cereal and drinking a decaf tea! Having woken up at 0200hrs to pee, I attempted to go back to sleep but the hunger got too much! I’m sure this baby thinks “if you’re awake, you’re going to feed me!”…demanding already!!

I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with our little boy (my first but my not-husband’s third after two girls) and to be fair, this IS the ‘nice part’ . People always said to me the ‘nice part’ will come and I thought they were lying! For the first 4 months of pregnancy, it was horrendous and I wondered how it could ever improve or be ‘nice’?!?!

But here I am, not feeling completely wiped out, or sick, or crippled with a headache. Miracles do exist! Hurrah!

Pregnancy – The First Part

Urgh! Where do I start?!

As soon as I became pregnant, before I even knew about it, I felt awful! I thought I was coming down with something. At around 4 weeks I began feeling a bit off. I was at a clients house one Friday afternoon and suddenly felt faint and incredibly sick. So bad that I had to call for cover and leave (I was sat with an elderly lady whilst her husband was out running errands). My fear was that I’d picked up a virus or something and didn’t want to pass it on to this lady and compromise her health. I’d also missed breakfast that day and was about to prepare lunch when I came over feeling like this. I thought it couldn’t be skipping a meal because that had never affected me before. It was odd!

I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling nauseous and a bit light headed, not thinking much of it really. I thought maybe I’d overdone it lately?! Saturday wasn’t much better, I woke up feeling nauseous but it passed. Again, thinking nothing of it, wondering if it was some sort of winter bug I’d got.

I don’t know what made me think differently throughout the day, perhaps an instinct of some kind, but I began to wonder if I might be pregnant?! We’d had a miscarriage in November so my cycles were a bit haywire and I couldn’t be sure if I was late or not as sometimes it can take a while to return to normal. I didn’t think we had been ‘in the danger zone’, but something was telling me it absolutely could be that I was pregnant. As I’ve said previously, we weren’t trying conceive…quite the opposite really. Read more about that here.

First thing the next morning…

I took a test and boom, there it was! The line appeared the second my pee hit the stick. It couldn’t have been more of a positive if it tried! A far cry from the faint line we’d had last November!

It was all downhill from here!

Firstly, I struggled to finish my cups of tea! I love a good cupa so this was the first symptom I thought could do one! Then came the hunger! Why was I so hungry ALL THE TIME, and why did I feel nauseous if I didn’t eat right away?! Urgh!

By 7 weeks I was REALLY beginning to feel rough! I felt sick as soon as I woke up and struggled to eat breakfast. Some days I felt so nauseous I was unable to get out of bed so I’d have to stay put, nibbling on dry cereal and sipping water. It was a definite ‘insta vs reality’ moment! My not-husband was great, he began bringing me breakfast biscuits each morning to help settle my stomach before I attempted to get up.

CRISPS!

Plain, baked, salty crisps! The only thing that kept the nausea at bay between meals. I was so hungry but couldn’t just eat all day, especially whilst working, so those crisps became my best friend. Getting me through the work day without vomiting.

The next level!

The tiredness was a bit of a shock. I found myself struggling to stay awake some afternoons. The worst part was, sitting in someone’s cosy house, in a comfy chair and NOT nodding off! It was January and February so often the heating was on making it extra cosy!!

I was just so tired, even after a full nights sleep I found myself needing to nap during the day…which of course isn’t always possible.

At nine weeks we’d been booked in for an early scan due to the last pregnancy and my anxiety around losing this one. The day before the scan, my symptoms seemed to disappear. They just vanished! I remember being convinced we’d lost it – an horrendous feeling! I woke up and didn’t feel sick for the first time in weeks!

The morning of the scan though, it was back with a vengeance! I threw up violently! Our hospital is a 40 minute drive away and I spent the entire time trying not to be sick in the car…

And that’s another thing!

Car sickness! I now felt nauseous as a passenger and had to drive myself to feel okay. Except that morning of course, I felt way too ill to drive!

The scan was fine, a good strong heart beat and everything as it should be. We met my mum that evening in a local pub (pre-lockdown) and told her the news. She’d known I’d been unwell and I couldn’t keep telling her I had a bug! I struggled my way through a vegetable lasagne which is one of my favourite meals! I think I had to end up taking half home with me as I just couldn’t eat it all. That night, I was getting ready for bed and I saw my lasagne once again (insert crying face!) I was now also hungry but unable to eat…that familiar cycle!

The Headaches!

Oh the headaches!! Why me?! I used to have terrible stress induced migraines but hadn’t had one for years! Probably a good 4 years since my last one. They were back, but this time they seemed to be hormone induced. They say pregnancy lessens migraines, well mine didn’t get that memo!

Almost daily I had a headache which if I didn’t catch quick enough, would turn into a migraine. Migraines would knock me out for at least a day or two, sometimes more! Really aware I was still in the first trimester, I didn’t want to be dosed up on medication all the time. I tried taking just half a paracetamol to take the edge off and that usually worked.

One morning in particular though, I’d got up and had a niggling headache – always on the right side…so predictable! I sat in my conservatory and put my head on a cushion. Pressure seemed to help dull the pain but this one wasn’t going anywhere. It escalated quickly and became a full blown migraine. My not-husband had gone to work as normal and when he left I just had the usual headache and nausea so nothing for him to worry about. By 10am, I couldn’t move! I couldn’t lift my head without wanting to be sick nor could I open my right eye without piercing pain.

I was incapacitated.

We have 4 dogs who by this point were wondering where on earth their breakfast was! I had to text my neighbour and ask her to come round and feed them for me. Luckily she’s amazing and always on hand if I need anything (and vice versa). She always checks in with me if she knows my not-husband is away too. Just the kind of neighbour and friend every military spouse needs!

It wasn’t until around 20-22weeks that the headaches tapered off. Up until that point I’d often find myself having to spend hours lying down, feeling like I was incredibly hungover and ‘foggy’. I’d end up writing off entire days due to headaches, which actually wasn’t such an inconvenience as by that point lockdown was well and truly underway and there was nowhere to be!

It gets better though, right?!

You’d like to think so!

The acid. The hip pain. The bleeding gums. The inability to eat a whole meal. The breathlessness. The lack of shoes that fit. The irritability. The heat. The feet in my ribs! The ‘Snissing’ (pee dribbles when sneezing!) Then there’s the more intimate issues…

Do I need to continue? Gone are the days of being comfortable! I think I’m lucky though. Some women experience far worse than that little list.

Currently, I cannot go a full night without getting up to pee, which I wouldn’t mind if I could go back to sleep after! Nope wide awake and then we’re back to the start…hungry!

Many a morning my not-husband will wake up to an empty bed. He thinks it’s weird. I just give up and take a pillow to the sofa. Sometimes I’ll drift off for a bit, others I’ll have a cupa and go back to bed to try again. Meditation is a big help in settling me back down into sleep. Simple guided sleep meditations on YouTube do the job.

I believe I’m lucky even with all of this though. I could still be suffering with the sickness so thank goodness that ended around week 18. Occasionally now it returns in the mornings and I struggle with breakfast but nothing like before, thankfully.

Still, my human is growing!

He’s growing by the day and I’m incredibly lucky to be having him. That doesn’t mean I can’t admit to it being hard and not enjoying it. Pregnancy isn’t my friend but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for him. If you’re struggling with pregnancy or not enjoying the process…THAT’S OKAY! We all experience things differently and that’s our right to. Don’t feel guilty for your feelings, they’re yours and they’re valid! Not all of us enjoy pregnancy or find it magical and wonderful.

And that’s okay! Stay strong! You’ve got this!

For information and tips on staying mentally and emotionally well, visit Tommy’s (click here). Plenty of resources and suggestions to help. My inbox is also always open to anyone who’d like to get in contact.

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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I think we’ve all questioned this at some point. Haven’t we?! “Are we ‘adulting’ correctly?!”

I glanced over at the birthday card on the fireplace whilst sipping my morning tea and it hit me! Right there, right then.

I am an actual adult! Sharing my story because I feel we all question ourselves sometimes and yet we’re all doing just fine!

The birthday card was “To my wonderful (not) Wife and Best Friend”. It suddenly dawned on me. This person in my life – my amazing not-husband – thinks the world of me. He thinks I’m great and appreciates all I do! Who’d have thought it?!

Next to his card and flowers were cards from both his children, sending their love to me on my birthday, even though I wouldn’t be seeing them for another week.

I look around and our house was in chaos because of renovations, but it’s OURS! Craziness!

I am an actual adult, living a grown up life!

“The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult…”

Definition of ‘adulting’

I’ve never paid attention to it before – the adult part to my life. I have always felt inadequate, behind somehow or just not doing it right. Society has such pressures; increasingly so with social media and it’s more important than ever to not fall foul of those.

Society suggests there are certain time frames for reaching life’s milestones or an idea of how we should be living as adults. Stereotypes and expectations suggest when we should be marrying, what type of career aspirations we should have or what age we should be having children.

But times are changing!!

Firstly, stop comparing yourself!

Comparing yourselves to others is one of the worst things you can do. Everyone is different and just because you’re not doing the same thing or at the same age doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Take me for example; 31, unmarried with 2 step children (never was that the plan, I can tell you!) Then I look at two of my friends; both married to military men, both at similar life stages, but totally different ages.

The first couple are mid-twenties, married, bought a house, have the most beautiful dog and now a newborn. The perfect life, right?!

The second is one of my closest friends, 39, step-mum to her husband’s daughter and now expecting their first baby together! They married earlier this year – the wedding I mentioned in my ‘Loss’ blog post and I couldn’t be happier for them!

I use these two friends as examples because we are all guilty of comparing ourselves to others, me included. Judging our successes by what we think we should be doing. My point here is, whether you’re 26 or 39, there’s no ‘right’ age.

Secondly, only you know what’s right for you!

Pressures will always be there; whether it’s pressure to get a ‘good job’ or to find a nice partner, or even provide your parents with grandchildren.

If I had a pound for every time my Mum asked me when she’s going to be a Nanny again, I could probably pay off the mortgage in one swift whack!

Does this concern me? Nope!

What about those nudges at weddings…? “You’re next!” or “Come on, I need a new hat!“.

We can then go to the other end of the scale, which I know a lot of military wives get. “Aren’t you too young to be getting married?!”

If it feels right for you then that’s all that matters! Society doesn’t need an opinion on our lives and how we live them.

A ‘responsible’ adult, ‘adulting’?

According to various informal definitions, ‘adulting’ is the actions characteristic of someone responsible. Scary hey?!

The word ‘adulting’ is often miused (if a made up word can be so) and is used to describe mundane but necessary tasks like cooking or cleaning, as being ‘adulting’. Being a responsible adult is a very different thing, or at least it is in my view.

I certainly hadn’t felt much like a responsible adult for the most part of my twenties – despite leaving home at 18. By my mid-twenties, I had lived alone, been to uni, had various jobs; yet I still didn’t feel like I was an adult and definitely not ‘adulting’ – whatever that was!

So at 27 when I became a step-mum to 2 pre-teen girls. (Yes, that IS as bad as it sounds!) I didn’t think I was prepared for this life at all! Never, ever, did I think I would even consider this as a way of life!

I met my wonderful not-husband, ‘Mr S’ online (as many of us do these days) and had vowed not to date anyone with children (or an ex-wife).

Well I royally f****d that one up didn’t I?!

But everything happens for a reason, right?!

I wanted an easy life. One with potential to go somewhere. My head said, “Don’t go there!“, my heart said “Give it a chance!“.

I went there!

We saw each other a fair bit (when he wasn’t away on exercise or something more interesting!), we spent various weekends together on and off base, making the most of the time he was around.

After a while, I met his kids. I was bricking it if I’m honest! I really liked this guy but, “what if his kids hated me?” “What if they couldn’t accept their dad being with someone who wasn’t their mum?!”. The many scenarios went through my mind. How we’d have to end this whole thing, or keep our lives separate from the kids, or see one another in secret. I think I feared the rejection from them more than anything!

But, they were amazing and so accepting of me. They were just happy to see their dad happy for once and at 8 & 9, I thought that was very grown up of them too!

All was going well then 9 months in – Bang! Our first deployment arrived, ready to try and destroy us. Absolutely not! We were already incredibly strong and knew we’d make this work.

Summer 2016, I was handling a deployment, maintaining bonds with my not-husband’s kids and his parents, planning stuff for when Mr S returned, putting money aside for various things…Was THIS ‘adulting’?

I had doubted this relationship and its lifestyle from the start, but it was working! More than working, we were smashing it!

So how about now?!

By late 2016, we were into our second deployment (yep, another one straight after!) and we’d been looking to buy a house together. That’s pretty adult, right?

We’d looked at so many properties online and nothing was grabbing us, although we weren’t in a rush, we were craving our own space. I’d moved back with my parents to save some money and when not away, he was living on base. Whilst in Canada, Mr S sent me a link for a house and asked me to check it out. Long story short, we now live in it! (See deployment post for the full story)

Buying a house whilst he was deployed had its own problems, most notable – the time difference. He was 7 hours behind which meant any correspondence was an extra working day. By the time I’d spoken to him, the estate agent/solicitors/surveyors had closed for the day and so it continued.

Mr S was in a front line squadron so he was away A LOT, leaving me to handle home life alone.

When Mr S returned, we exchanged and moved in March 2017. Now here’s where life changed dramatically for me. I was now doing school runs Friday evenings and Monday mornings. I’d find myself cooking for three or four (as opposed to cereal for dinner), ironing uniforms or sat watching a school play without my not-husband. He’d be overseas and I’d be sat in an awful assembly wondering how my life got to this point?!

How much more adult can you get?! Surely THIS was adulting?

Yet I STILL doubt myself!

A couple of weeks back, I was holding ‘stuff’ (aka jumpers they refuse to wear, a rock they took a liking to in the car park and what was left of my sanity) whilst the kids took part in a Harry Potter broomstick ‘flying’ lesson, being told to ‘ooh‘ and ‘aah‘ by the crazy lady leading it!

“HOW ON EARTH DID I END UP HERE?!“

That was one of those moments where I questioned everything – just for a second! If you’d have asked me four years ago, if I’d be standing at a Harry Potter event (totally not my thing), ‘oohing and aahing’ at a fake flying lesson…I’d have told you not to be so ridiculous!

Being a step-mum was never something I planned for. I had no idea about being a parent, never mind being one to TWO hormonal pre-teen girls!

BUT! We’re now just a normal family, I don’t see them as ‘his kids’ (unless they’re channelling their inner tw*t, then they can be HIS!). They’re OUR kids and we do normal family stuff. Hearing the kids say to their friends, “this is my step-mum“, still freaks me out a bit, but I feel honoured to have been accepted into their lives so readily.

I question if I’m actually ‘adulting’, but I must be? I keep these teenagers alive, Mr S hasn’t left me for a more competent human and I haven’t burnt the house down…yet!

Statistics…do these show us as nation to be ‘adulting’?

If you take a look at the graphic here, the UK ranks slightly below the EU average for age to leave home. The statistic for men vs woman is aged 27.6 and 25.2 respectively. By that stat, I was way ahead as I left home at 18.

We could go one further and compare this to the 1960’s, where 62% of 18-34 year olds were living as married or co-habiting in their own home, compared to just 31% now. Of course many social and economic factors play a role but let’s not get too deep here.

Compare all this alongside ages for having children and we see more people now than ever aren’t having their first children until their thirties. In the early 1990’s, my Mum was horrified to be pregnant again (her 3rd, my brother) at the age of 30! She felt people would think “she should know better!” for being an ‘older’ mother.

But how normal is it now, that my friend at 39 is having her first. Society is fluid and opinions change over time. It is no longer seen as ‘older mother’ past 30, more ‘the norm’ (since writing this, I became a mother at 32). Just because society suggests one opinion right now, doesn’t mean it will stay that way!

What makes you feel like an adult? Do you feel like you’ve nailed the art of ‘adulting’? Are you expecting a baby but don’t feel like a ‘real grown-up’ yet? I’d love to hear from you!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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