They lied!

It’s not all pink and fluffy like we’re told. Not everyone ‘enjoys’ pregnancy. Some of us struggle growing a human and THAT’S OKAY!

As I write this, it’s 0350hrs and I’m sat in my conservatory eating cereal and drinking a decaf tea! Having woken up at 0200hrs to pee, I attempted to go back to sleep but the hunger got too much! I’m sure this baby thinks “if you’re awake, you’re going to feed me!”…demanding already!!

I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with our little boy (my first but my not-husband’s third after two girls) and to be fair, this IS the ‘nice part’ . People always said to me the ‘nice part’ will come and I thought they were lying! For the first 4 months of pregnancy, it was horrendous and I wondered how it could ever improve or be ‘nice’?!?!

But here I am, not feeling completely wiped out, or sick, or crippled with a headache. Miracles do exist! Hurrah!

Pregnancy – The First Part

Urgh! Where do I start?!

As soon as I became pregnant, before I even knew about it, I felt awful! I thought I was coming down with something. At around 4 weeks I began feeling a bit off. I was at a clients house one Friday afternoon and suddenly felt faint and incredibly sick. So bad that I had to call for cover and leave (I was sat with an elderly lady whilst her husband was out running errands). My fear was that I’d picked up a virus or something and didn’t want to pass it on to this lady and compromise her health. I’d also missed breakfast that day and was about to prepare lunch when I came over feeling like this. I thought it couldn’t be skipping a meal because that had never affected me before. It was odd!

I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling nauseous and a bit light headed, not thinking much of it really. I thought maybe I’d overdone it lately?! Saturday wasn’t much better, I woke up feeling nauseous but it passed. Again, thinking nothing of it, wondering if it was some sort of winter bug I’d got.

I don’t know what made me think differently throughout the day, perhaps an instinct of some kind, but I began to wonder if I might be pregnant?! We’d had a miscarriage in November so my cycles were a bit haywire and I couldn’t be sure if I was late or not as sometimes it can take a while to return to normal. I didn’t think we had been ‘in the danger zone’, but something was telling me it absolutely could be that I was pregnant. As I’ve said previously, we weren’t trying conceive…quite the opposite really. Read more about that here.

First thing the next morning…

I took a test and boom, there it was! The line appeared the second my pee hit the stick. It couldn’t have been more of a positive if it tried! A far cry from the faint line we’d had last November!

It was all downhill from here!

Firstly, I struggled to finish my cups of tea! I love a good cupa so this was the first symptom I thought could do one! Then came the hunger! Why was I so hungry ALL THE TIME, and why did I feel nauseous if I didn’t eat right away?! Urgh!

By 7 weeks I was REALLY beginning to feel rough! I felt sick as soon as I woke up and struggled to eat breakfast. Some days I felt so nauseous I was unable to get out of bed so I’d have to stay put, nibbling on dry cereal and sipping water. It was a definite ‘insta vs reality’ moment! My not-husband was great, he began bringing me breakfast biscuits each morning to help settle my stomach before I attempted to get up.

CRISPS!

Plain, baked, salty crisps! The only thing that kept the nausea at bay between meals. I was so hungry but couldn’t just eat all day, especially whilst working, so those crisps became my best friend. Getting me through the work day without vomiting.

The next level!

The tiredness was a bit of a shock. I found myself struggling to stay awake some afternoons. The worst part was, sitting in someone’s cosy house, in a comfy chair and NOT nodding off! It was January and February so often the heating was on making it extra cosy!!

I was just so tired, even after a full nights sleep I found myself needing to nap during the day…which of course isn’t always possible.

At nine weeks we’d been booked in for an early scan due to the last pregnancy and my anxiety around losing this one. The day before the scan, my symptoms seemed to disappear. They just vanished! I remember being convinced we’d lost it – an horrendous feeling! I woke up and didn’t feel sick for the first time in weeks!

The morning of the scan though, it was back with a vengeance! I threw up violently! Our hospital is a 40 minute drive away and I spent the entire time trying not to be sick in the car…

And that’s another thing!

Car sickness! I now felt nauseous as a passenger and had to drive myself to feel okay. Except that morning of course, I felt way too ill to drive!

The scan was fine, a good strong heart beat and everything as it should be. We met my mum that evening in a local pub (pre-lockdown) and told her the news. She’d known I’d been unwell and I couldn’t keep telling her I had a bug! I struggled my way through a vegetable lasagne which is one of my favourite meals! I think I had to end up taking half home with me as I just couldn’t eat it all. That night, I was getting ready for bed and I saw my lasagne once again (insert crying face!) I was now also hungry but unable to eat…that familiar cycle!

The Headaches!

Oh the headaches!! Why me?! I used to have terrible stress induced migraines but hadn’t had one for years! Probably a good 4 years since my last one. They were back, but this time they seemed to be hormone induced. They say pregnancy lessens migraines, well mine didn’t get that memo!

Almost daily I had a headache which if I didn’t catch quick enough, would turn into a migraine. Migraines would knock me out for at least a day or two, sometimes more! Really aware I was still in the first trimester, I didn’t want to be dosed up on medication all the time. I tried taking just half a paracetamol to take the edge off and that usually worked.

One morning in particular though, I’d got up and had a niggling headache – always on the right side…so predictable! I sat in my conservatory and put my head on a cushion. Pressure seemed to help dull the pain but this one wasn’t going anywhere. It escalated quickly and became a full blown migraine. My not-husband had gone to work as normal and when he left I just had the usual headache and nausea so nothing for him to worry about. By 10am, I couldn’t move! I couldn’t lift my head without wanting to be sick nor could I open my right eye without piercing pain.

I was incapacitated.

We have 4 dogs who by this point were wondering where on earth their breakfast was! I had to text my neighbour and ask her to come round and feed them for me. Luckily she’s amazing and always on hand if I need anything (and vice versa). She always checks in with me if she knows my not-husband is away too. Just the kind of neighbour and friend every military spouse needs!

It wasn’t until around 20-22weeks that the headaches tapered off. Up until that point I’d often find myself having to spend hours lying down, feeling like I was incredibly hungover and ‘foggy’. I’d end up writing off entire days due to headaches, which actually wasn’t such an inconvenience as by that point lockdown was well and truly underway and there was nowhere to be!

It gets better though, right?!

You’d like to think so!

The acid. The hip pain. The bleeding gums. The inability to eat a whole meal. The breathlessness. The lack of shoes that fit. The irritability. The heat. The feet in my ribs! The ‘Snissing’ (pee dribbles when sneezing!) Then there’s the more intimate issues…

Do I need to continue? Gone are the days of being comfortable! I think I’m lucky though. Some women experience far worse than that little list.

Currently, I cannot go a full night without getting up to pee, which I wouldn’t mind if I could go back to sleep after! Nope wide awake and then we’re back to the start…hungry!

Many a morning my not-husband will wake up to an empty bed. He thinks it’s weird. I just give up and take a pillow to the sofa. Sometimes I’ll drift off for a bit, others I’ll have a cupa and go back to bed to try again. Meditation is a big help in settling me back down into sleep. Simple guided sleep meditations on YouTube do the job.

I believe I’m lucky even with all of this though. I could still be suffering with the sickness so thank goodness that ended around week 18. Occasionally now it returns in the mornings and I struggle with breakfast but nothing like before, thankfully.

Still, my human is growing!

He’s growing by the day and I’m incredibly lucky to be having him. That doesn’t mean I can’t admit to it being hard and not enjoying it. Pregnancy isn’t my friend but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for him. If you’re struggling with pregnancy or not enjoying the process…THAT’S OKAY! We all experience things differently and that’s our right to. Don’t feel guilty for your feelings, they’re yours and they’re valid! Not all of us enjoy pregnancy or find it magical and wonderful.

And that’s okay! Stay strong! You’ve got this!

For information and tips on staying mentally and emotionally well, visit Tommy’s (click here). Plenty of resources and suggestions to help. My inbox is also always open to anyone who’d like to get in contact.

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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I’ve been seeing my wonderful counsellor for just over a year now and I always wish I’d started sooner! Years of anxiety and feeling ‘just not right’, turned out to be the consequence of burying emotions and never processing or voicing how I really felt.

Even as a kid, I never showed when I was upset by something; I kept everything to myself and would continue like nothing was ever happening. BIG MISTAKE!

As a young adult, I experienced the relationships that perhaps didn’t go to plan, people who hurt me, people who didn’t care like I did… It all adds up!

Fast forward to the age of 29 and I met my counsellor, let’s call her ‘Petunia‘. My wonderful not-husband was due to deploy again and I was struggling with bouts of depression and crippling anxiety. I knew I had to sort something out before he left.

Time to change

I went along to my first session, nervous and apprehensive, not knowing what on earth to expect. Petunia instantly put me at ease with her kind and calm approach. We had a cupa and chatted about why I was there.

My reasons were varied but mainly I was fed up of feeling so low and I’d had enough of panic attacks, nausea and the constant worry. It was a couple of months off my birthday and I was determined to ‘be better’ in my thirties.

“Surely I should be able to cope with life by now?” (said almost every adult, ever!)

So Petunia and I spent our first session exploring my history of how I came to be in her room; we identified several boxes of shit I’d pushed into a cupboard inside my head and we knew this would be a long process!

Why am I crying?! How is this normal?!

To begin with we opted for weekly sessions as I definitely had a lot of decluttering to do! We talked about all sorts; she unearthed things I didn’t know I cared about! She’d have me in absolute tears sometimes, crying over things I thought had gone from my mind… how?!

Take my previous relationship, for instance – the one before my amazing not-husband – that had ended some 5 years ago. It was over a long time before it was over too, if you know the type of relationship I mean; I hadn’t given it a thought in years!

Well Petunia knows just the right buttons to press. I cried. Hard!

Wtf?

Why was I crying?!

I didn’t care about that stuff any more…???

Petunia had opened a wound. One I’d locked away nicely in a box, packed into a cupboard and secured with a gigantic bolt on the door! She’d opened it and it was all falling out! I’d suppressed all the emotions relating to that person, the relationship, and the way it had ended. I couldn’t even tell her his name!

Revealing hidden emotions

So there I was, balling my eyes out over something five years ago, telling Petunia I was over it, when in fact, I hadn’t dealt with any of those emotions until that point. Here they were surfacing, bringing up feelings I’d fought so hard to crush the first time around!

We went back further… Petunia poked at old wounds to see if they’d bleed and most did! I found myself experiencing emotions I never knew were inside!

This was bizarre, how could someone I barely know provoke such reactions from me?

I wasn’t the sort of person to ever cry (unless it involved an animal!) but Petunia had me crying nearly every session to begin with, AND in between them.

I wondered what had happened to me. I was always so strong and hid my emotions from everyone.

Turns out that’s a really bad idea!

There is only so much cupboard space in your mind and if you keep filling it, there’s no room for anything else. So this is where I was at!

Decluttering the past

As we began to unpack the past, I started to feel lighter, truly over the things that had hurt me before. I was no longer carrying those boxes, weighing me down.

My wonderful not-husband was thousands of miles away and I felt strong (actually strong this time). We talked when we could, which sometimes wasn’t very often – as with any deployment – but every little conversation was precious. When we got a chance to talk for a little longer, I shared with him snippets of my counselling sessions, just so he wasn’t feeling left behind in my journey.

I was feeling good!

I was feeling able to take on anything that life could throw at me. Then BANG!

Devastation!

Two months into deployment, my Dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. My world was blown apart and my best friend was days away and hard to contact. Thank my lucky stars for Petunia!

I was able to voice how I felt, offload how crazy I was feeling, tell her my frustrations of my not-husband being away from me when I needed him the most! Petunia kept me from going under. Still very low at times and the anxiety had ramped up again, but I felt I could tread water just long enough to get through the last month of deployment.

I was physically and emotionally exhausted, visiting the hospital daily – which was an hours drive on a good day! The house standards were slipping as I just didn’t have the energy to deal with that too.

I was struggling without my amazing not-husband to take some of the strain. He was over there feeling guilty that he couldn’t support me fully, but believe me, he was supporting me way more than he knew.

Normal?

My not-husband returned (eventually – never trust a home coming date, they never go to plan!) and home life settled into some kind of normal again. The blue jobs were being done and I had someone to share the hospital trips with.

As the months went by, Petunia introduced me to the notion of anticipatory grief. Something I never knew about but is absolutely normal! You can read more about the process in my previous article, but simply put, it’s grieving the loss of a loved one before their death.

I had no idea that what I was experiencing was completely normal. No one ever talks about it, but when Petunia explained it all, I felt relatively ‘normal’. However, I was still struggling to understand what ‘normal’ was!

The New Me

Fast forward again and I felt like a new person! The shy, quiet, unconfident person I was before was owning life. At Dad’s send-off, I stood up at the front (with a microphone!) and read out 8 minutes worth of something I had written. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it! Who was this person?!

I had organised most of the send-off and hosted the ‘after-party’ for over 30 people. I was confident, balanced and being the real me! Someone I’d not been in years!

And why? Because Petunia had taught me to just be myself! Not to care about what others thought, not to worry about what I can’t change, to just do what I felt right in my heart. I’d let go of all the dusty boxes packed away in my attic and had room for all kinds of new possibilities.

I had dealt with losing my incredible Dad on a daily basis, rather than pushing it to the back of my mind and hoping it’d go away. (it doesn’t) If I felt something, I’d say it: if I needed to cry, I’d let it out without worrying I looked silly or feeling guilty for it.

I felt good!!

I decided to keep my monthly sessions going, just to make sure I was doing okay and that brings us to today’s session. Petunia and I met, we did our usual catch up of events over a brew and she explored all avenues of my mind.

We talked about the ups and downs of grief – how one day you can be happy and the next you just can’t hold back the tears. She told me how normal and natural this is and I believed her.

We discussed the minefield that are the female hormones and the effect they can have on the mind. I had explained to Petunia how one week I can hold one opinion/mindset and two weeks later I can think the complete opposite! This too, she tells me is absolutely the norm. Who knew?!

But how do I know which to believe?!

My mind fuelled by hormones is screaming one thing one week and something else the next! One week something will irritate the life out if me, but the next I might not even notice it! How can that be a normal process? How do I cope with those contrasts?!

Do I just see which thoughts scream the loudest and go with that?!

Nope, Petunia tells me these are the things to discuss with my amazing not-husband. Because if the past has taught me anything, it’s that NOT sharing problems is where the issues actually start. I could talk to anyone, but the person I spend my life with is the only person sharing the experiences with me so closely.

So here I am, waiting for my not-husband to return on Friday, because whilst video calls are great, they’re not ideal. Some conversations need to be in person.

Life is a roller-coaster!

Everyone has their own issues, whatever they may be and their own ways of coping, which may be unique to them. But the one common denominator is that we’re all normal.

We’re all struggling with something, some more than others, some more serious, some more painful, but we’re all just ‘normal’. Life has its ups and downs and we just flow with it, coping in whatever way we can!

I still have my bad days, seeing a counsellor didn’t ‘cure’ me; I have horrendous days sometimes! In fact, I hate the person I am in those times and I fight hard to dig my way back out. Peaks and troughs are a normal part of life, so don’t lose heart if you dip back down again – remember that’s all part of being ‘normal’.

But for the first time in my adult life, during that session, I felt ‘normal’! I understood that my ‘crazy brain’ isn’t actually crazy and that the doubts I have, the worries, the internal conflicts, are all

COMPLETELY

NORMAL!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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