I don’t know about you, but how many times have you been out somewhere and randomly bumped into someone who might just be the love of your life?! I’m pretty sure that only happens in films (do let me know if you met that way!).

I asked her how her dream meeting would go and she reeled off what could have been a scene from a RomCom. She said she’d like to be standing in line for a coffee and have the man of her dreams bump into her, causing her to drop her pile of books on the floor, which he would then, as the gentleman, pick up, and their eyes would meet. The End.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?!

So how do people meet ‘normally’, as my lovely step-daughter puts it?

Well, the obvious one is meeting in a bar/pub/club, right? That’s the stereotypical place to find a date, isn’t it? But how many of us approach someone in said bar and end up life-long partners? (Again, do let me know if this is you!). Particularly in a time that appears to be labelling men as all sorts if they dare so much as to pay a lady a compliment…but let’s not get into that. Besides, bars and nightclubs are a far cry from the dance halls of yesteryear where our grandparent’s generation would have met.

Society has also changed over the last couple of decades with the ever-growing technological world at our finger tips. People no longer need to make small talk at a bus stop, or on a train. It’s so easy to be listening to a podcast, or an audio book, or catching up with emails, or updating social media, that people aren’t passing the time with one another socially. I remember a taxi journey home from work at 5am, about 14 years ago or so. I had the most fascinating conversation with the driver about the political situation in Egypt at that time, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! (I’m totally boring, I know!) But, it’s those types of spontaneous interactions that fall away when technology moves in to fill those gaps.

Then there’s your work place, which although can be great for meeting someone you have things in common with, it can end up being incredibly awkward, especially if you don’t work out. Once upon a time, my work place also happened to be a nightclub, and trust me, dating and breaking it off with someone you work with, whilst practically living in a venue with alcohol to drown your sorrows, isn’t a good mix.

Of course the upside to dating in your social circle, or within your workplace is that it gives you an opportunity to see one another in your ‘natural habitat’, shall we say: witness how one another behaves without the pressures of it being a date, or trying to impress anyone. This is something I think online dating doesn’t have: the ability to get to know one another from afar…but not in a stalker kinda way, just in an admirer sense.

In my view, online dating brings its own pressures to showcase the best bits, or the highlight reel of your life. The perfect version of you. It’s said that people make an instant judgement when they see someone and that’s obviously what dating apps like Tinder are based on. You see a picture or three, and a few lines of writing, and make your decision to swipe one way, or the other.

So let’s be honest, in that few seconds that you have to show who you are, you’re only going to put your best photos and a glowing write up, aren’t you? No one wants to highlight their flaws, do they? Could you imagine some people’s profile if they wrote their reality on their bio?! “Bit of a nag, takes forever to get ready, will Facebook stalk your ex-girlfriend and can’t cook.” Or, “Ladies man, likes to flirt, will not respond to texts and leaves dirty pants on the floor – wash that love”. (Let me just point out that these are entirely fictional and not based on any real people. Any likeness is a coincidence!) But you get my point. So perhaps online dating is less genuine to begin with?

I thought I’d give it a go…

In 2015 after the break up of a long term relationship the previous year, I was living in the ar*e end of nowhere, working 13hr shifts at the local hospital, so my opportunity for for meeting someone socially was limited. I occasionally visited the village pub with my neighbour, but let’s be honest, anyone you meet in your local has probably dated six others in the village, and no one wants exes on their doorstep, do they?!

Online dating seemed the way to go. It was a bit crazy to begin with. I started getting messages from all kinds of people. Many of whom I had absolutely no interest in, whatsoever. The Internet is a weird place! From that experience, I moved platforms to one where you can only connect with others if you ‘match’ and that seemed to make much more sense to me. Filter out all the nonsense and be introduced to people who are interested in, and are looking for, similar things to yourself.

In summer of 2015, (pre-not-husband) I began seeing a guy who was also in the forces (I don’t have a type, honest!) He was being posted to America, so we quit whilst we were ahead, and called it a day after a couple of months. After a month or so, I had another little look to see what other fish there were in the sea, and along came my now not-husband.

Here I’ll add a mildly amusing story. When it came to visiting my not-husband on camp in those early days, he told me how I’d have to go to the pass office and have my photo taken, take my ID, blah-blah, as I had not been before. Of course, I had to confess all at this point! I was already on the system as the previous guy was on the same base. Because of this, I’m pretty sure he thought I was just a serial military-man dater. Let me add to that, one flies helicopters, and the other fixes them. (It also turned out that they were living in opposite blocks on camp) It was a total coincidence, I promise! But I do believe in everything happening for a reason so perhaps that was just the trial run pushing me to where I needed to be? Who knows?!

My not-husband had joined the crazy world of online dating after the breakup of his marriage and unfortunately landed himself with me! When using the filters online, I had always gone for the ‘without children’ option because I just wasn’t interested in taking on a family (or anyone else’s ‘baggage’ – read that as ‘ex-wife’). For some reason, I hadn’t selected that option this time round, and I ‘matched’ with my not-husband who had 2 children from said marriage. At the time, I was chatting to him and one other; a doctor without children (or an ex-wife) but luckily for my not-husband, something just clicked with him and I binned off the doctor.

The Teenage World of Dating….

As my two stepdaughters are now of an age where they themselves are dating (15 & 17), I was curious to hear their take on it.

Currently for them, it’s still very much ‘people you meet at school’ or the ‘my friend likes your friend’ approach, but I asked them about the future and their thoughts on using the internet for finding love. Miss Seventeen is adamant she will never use online dating! I have noted our conversation and told her I’ll remind her of it in a few years time when she’s swiping her way through suitors! For now she has a steady boyfriend she met in school and they’re now in college together.

However, I found it really weird to hear someone of her generation so against an online based service, when everything they do seems to be online, including their entire school day. (I despise this! But that’s a rant for another day.) Technology is a huge part of their world, but perhaps that’s exactly why she’s opposed to it? The art of human connection is such a personal thing, perhaps it is more authentic and natural to begin a relationship by meeting in person?

Yet some people are not very good at the whole social interaction thing, especially not in a romantic sense. Anxiety makes sure of that! So perhaps for those people, the removal of those pressures is actually creating stronger connections, by providing the opportunity to get to know one another better, without self-confidence or social skills in the mix.

In my old job, one of my clients – a lady in her ‘twilight years’ we’ll call them – told me a wonderful story of how she met her husband, many moons ago. As a young lady, her mother forbid her from attending a local dance hall, “because that’s where all those squaddies hang out”. Well, I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a great place to be! She thought so too. Her and her sister snuck out and visited said dance, where she met a lovely young RAF man. A week later, he asked her to marry him and she accepted! (Much to her mother’s horror, of course!) BUT, decades later, here I am sitting with her, she has severe dementia and the aforementioned RAF man out at an aviation lecture for the evening. It just goes to show, even when your mind is slowly letting you down, it’s sometimes the simplest of things that stay with you forever!

So perhaps the way in which we meet people has a longer lasting impact than we think. Dating comes in so many forms these days and at so many different stages of people’s lives. Couples divorce, spouses pass away long before their time, and some people choose to stay single, only looking for love in later years. Whatever your situation, dating can be a daunting prospect. It can also be an exciting one too.

Online, offline, or not at all – the choice is yours!

Over and out,

The Not Wife

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With recent escalations, I thought I’d try and share (my take on) the perspectives of spouses around the globe. Whilst the world is watching events unfold, spouses are watching from their own unique position.

Over the last day or so, I have seen both British and American spouses on social media expressing their compassion for Ukrainian spouses, and their worries about what this may mean for their own serving spouse.

Will they be deployed at a moment’s notice?

Will they have to join NATO forces along the Baltic states?

How long for?

How soon before they leave?

What will they be expected to do?

Questioning if those already deployed will soon be on a frontline no one expected?

The truth is, no one really knows for sure. The only thing for certain in military life is that there will be uncertainty. The anxiety is real! Serving or spouse, we both feel it.

In Ukraine, there will be spouses terrified for their husbands, wives, and partners confronting Russian forces. Veterans are returning to service leaving spouses who thought this life was done with, wondering how long it’ll last for? Civilians are taking up arms to defend their cities – a scenario none of us can imagine! Their spouses and children fleeing the country, proud of the loved one they left behind, yet petrified of the unknown.

In Russia, there will be spouses afraid of what their soldiers are heading in to. What defence will they be faced with? Will their spouse be one of the ‘statistics’ in this war? Perhaps their spouse is part of a war they don’t entirely agree with, but they have a job to do. The world is seeing their spouse as ‘the enemy’, yet to them they’re just their loved one.

Spouses in the Baltic states may be watching their spouses join the other NATO forces on the Eastern flank, questioning if they’ll become more involved; wondering if the war will creep closer?

There will be those of us with pilots for spouses, watching with horror as aircraft are shot out of the sky; feeling that gut-wrenching ‘what-if’, knowing the realities of the situation.

Others may have tank driver spouses, watching the equally distressing images of those being destroyed, understanding the consequences for the crew’s families.

Infantry spouses around the world will be sharing the fear felt by spouses on both sides of this terrible situation.

Mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers will be praying their loved ones return unharmed from this conflict. Praying their civilian families are safe.

On Thursday (the day the invasion began) I met my best friend for a walk and her first question was, “Has ‘not-husband’ said anything about going to the Baltics?”. Our fears are the same, our worries are the same, but we are no different to the American spouse asking the same question 4,000 miles away.

Yet somehow we are also alone. Many people see this war as something happening in a faraway land that has nothing to do with us. Or perhaps they have seen the news and are dismissing it, thinking it’s not an issue for them. Or maybe they’re consciously not thinking about it – they do say ignorance is bliss! Either way, they’re unaware of the distress being faced by the military community globally.

On Friday I was at a baby group with my little boy and heard no one mention the horrific events happening, apart from one mum: a fellow military spouse who understood the impact on our community. Spouses everywhere unite in that connection; pained by the news of a soldier killed in action, saddened by wounded personnel, and empathetic to those who have no choice but to fight.

My point here is, no matter which side you find yourself on, or wherever you are in the world, the military community is united in its own unique way. Those who serve are brothers in arms, and their families experience the same fears, worries and anxieties regardless of which armed force you’re tied to.

We don’t have to agree with the conflict or the reasons behind it to feel empathic towards those involved – or any other conflict for that matter. A soldier is a soldier and outside of the military they’re someone’s son, daughter, mother, father, or friend. Wherever you are, whatever your affiliation, you’re not alone. We share the anxiety, we share the fear, and we share the compassion.

Whether you choose to watch the news or hide away from it, do whatever keeps you mentally safe. This war has global implications and it’s OK to feel affected by it. Stay strong, breathe through it and reach out if you’re struggling. Know you’re not alone!

WE ARE UNITED.

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3 years ago, I was getting up at 4am to wave off my not-husband to Canada. He was deploying for the second time that year! You begin to accept that getting up at 1, 2, 3, 4 or even 5am is just part of the deal sometimes!

The alarm goes and we get up in the dark, sneaking downstairs, trying not to wake anyone else. The Spaniel thinks it’s wonderful we’re up, celebrating by banging his tail against the kitchen radiator! Ssh!!

We had been through a deployment once already that summer, he’d only been home six weeks and boy did we squeeze a lot in! We’d had a holiday with the kids, been to two weddings, ran an event for the local community, plus the usual days out and daily dog walks too.

So when 23rd September arrived, it was way too soon! We hadn’t seen enough of one another! We’d been so busy! How was he leaving again already?!

4am. Bags are packed, Spaniel is wagging and I’m trying not to let any tears slip out. We had done this before – not so long ago – so I knew what to expect, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Spaniel had realised what was happening by this point and thought he’d try and go with. No such luck pup!

That deployment was a weird one!

By this point, we’d now been together a year so this wasn’t a short term thing. We were stronger than ever and loving being our blended family of four. I spent several days with the kids (his two from a previous marriage) whilst he was away, growing our bond more each time.

October arrived, bringing his birthday. That got to me a little! The kids and I spent the day eating cake for Daddy and enjoying ourselves at a village hall event (proper country life!) I sent him pictures and hoped he would have a good day despite working. It was hard to talk with the time difference and as for the signal…

Before he left, we’d discussed living together and had been looking at some houses. Now some may think this is pretty quick, but we knew it felt right and it just made sense for us. We hadn’t found anything right in the short time he was home and definitely hadn’t had the time to view any!

So mid October when I get a text saying, “Hey, there’s this house just been listed, could you check it out, maybe arrange a viewing?”

Oh the pressure!!

I clicked the link and could instantly see why he’d sent it! Stunning! It was an 1860’s railway cottage, extended, beautiful kitchen and even a wood-burner in the brick built conservatory extension…this was the one we’d been searching for!

I arranged a viewing the next day and met my parents and his, at the house. There was no way I could view and make a decision by myself, that would be crazy! I figured parents would provide my not-husband with a knowledgeable opinion when it came to ‘what to look for’.

Both sets of parents fell in love with the place! I’d taken some extra photos to send. Ones with people he knew in them, to get a real sense of the rooms; not like estate agent pictures that tend to be stretched and widened. Well, he loved it too!

Oh shit! Now what?!

“Put an offer in, see what they say“. Erm, hold on a sec, you want me to do what?!

This was craziness! He was trusting me to do what?! Was HE crazy? Was this some kind of mid-deployment crisis?! The estate agent told us there were 18 viewings planned for over the weekend. It was a popular property and I could see why!

Monday morning arrived and I put in our offer. The estate agent tells me, “There’s eight offers on the table, it’ll be down to the seller to decide which suits him best“. I thought, great! We can forget it then, we’re going through a deployment so things won’t be simple, the other offers are probably far more straightforward!

“Hello, I’m pleased to tell you, your offer has been accepted!“

Wait, what the…? How?! We couldn’t do anything for at least a month! Turns out, the guy wanted a bit of time to sort his new property, so we won! Sweet! Deployment had worked in our favour!

Comm’s between myself and my not-husband were always a day out as he was 7 hours behind. By the time we’d get to talk and discuss things, the estate agents were always shut. I had to wait (painfully) until around 1500 hrs UK time, for him to wake up over there. My parents were there when I got the call, so I met my in-laws at the pub for lunch to tell them the news.

‘Argggh! This was happening!‘

Never had I done anything like this before! Then add the pressure of my darling not-husband leaving me to handle a house sale! I’m not going to lie, it was all a little surreal! My anxiety was ramped up daily; contacting solicitors and organising a survey…waiting a day between each to confirm with my not-husband.

Hello November!

This was only a short deployment this time so he arrived back in plenty of time to help with the move (luckily!) One dark evening, we arranged an informal viewing and met the house owner so my not-husband could see the house he was buying. Sheer madness!

He was understandably nervous but also excited that the ball was already rolling! We couldn’t wait to move in now! The next time he deployed, we’d be home owners and that brought a whole new chess game to navigate!!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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I think we’ve all questioned this at some point. Haven’t we?! “Are we ‘adulting’ correctly?!”

I glanced over at the birthday card on the fireplace whilst sipping my morning tea and it hit me! Right there, right then.

I am an actual adult! Sharing my story because I feel we all question ourselves sometimes and yet we’re all doing just fine!

The birthday card was “To my wonderful (not) Wife and Best Friend”. It suddenly dawned on me. This person in my life – my amazing not-husband – thinks the world of me. He thinks I’m great and appreciates all I do! Who’d have thought it?!

Next to his card and flowers were cards from both his children, sending their love to me on my birthday, even though I wouldn’t be seeing them for another week.

I look around and our house was in chaos because of renovations, but it’s OURS! Craziness!

I am an actual adult, living a grown up life!

“The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult…”

Definition of ‘adulting’

I’ve never paid attention to it before – the adult part to my life. I have always felt inadequate, behind somehow or just not doing it right. Society has such pressures; increasingly so with social media and it’s more important than ever to not fall foul of those.

Society suggests there are certain time frames for reaching life’s milestones or an idea of how we should be living as adults. Stereotypes and expectations suggest when we should be marrying, what type of career aspirations we should have or what age we should be having children.

But times are changing!!

Firstly, stop comparing yourself!

Comparing yourselves to others is one of the worst things you can do. Everyone is different and just because you’re not doing the same thing or at the same age doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Take me for example; 31, unmarried with 2 step children (never was that the plan, I can tell you!) Then I look at two of my friends; both married to military men, both at similar life stages, but totally different ages.

The first couple are mid-twenties, married, bought a house, have the most beautiful dog and now a newborn. The perfect life, right?!

The second is one of my closest friends, 39, step-mum to her husband’s daughter and now expecting their first baby together! They married earlier this year – the wedding I mentioned in my ‘Loss’ blog post and I couldn’t be happier for them!

I use these two friends as examples because we are all guilty of comparing ourselves to others, me included. Judging our successes by what we think we should be doing. My point here is, whether you’re 26 or 39, there’s no ‘right’ age.

Secondly, only you know what’s right for you!

Pressures will always be there; whether it’s pressure to get a ‘good job’ or to find a nice partner, or even provide your parents with grandchildren.

If I had a pound for every time my Mum asked me when she’s going to be a Nanny again, I could probably pay off the mortgage in one swift whack!

Does this concern me? Nope!

What about those nudges at weddings…? “You’re next!” or “Come on, I need a new hat!“.

We can then go to the other end of the scale, which I know a lot of military wives get. “Aren’t you too young to be getting married?!”

If it feels right for you then that’s all that matters! Society doesn’t need an opinion on our lives and how we live them.

A ‘responsible’ adult, ‘adulting’?

According to various informal definitions, ‘adulting’ is the actions characteristic of someone responsible. Scary hey?!

The word ‘adulting’ is often miused (if a made up word can be so) and is used to describe mundane but necessary tasks like cooking or cleaning, as being ‘adulting’. Being a responsible adult is a very different thing, or at least it is in my view.

I certainly hadn’t felt much like a responsible adult for the most part of my twenties – despite leaving home at 18. By my mid-twenties, I had lived alone, been to uni, had various jobs; yet I still didn’t feel like I was an adult and definitely not ‘adulting’ – whatever that was!

So at 27 when I became a step-mum to 2 pre-teen girls. (Yes, that IS as bad as it sounds!) I didn’t think I was prepared for this life at all! Never, ever, did I think I would even consider this as a way of life!

I met my wonderful not-husband, ‘Mr S’ online (as many of us do these days) and had vowed not to date anyone with children (or an ex-wife).

Well I royally f****d that one up didn’t I?!

But everything happens for a reason, right?!

I wanted an easy life. One with potential to go somewhere. My head said, “Don’t go there!“, my heart said “Give it a chance!“.

I went there!

We saw each other a fair bit (when he wasn’t away on exercise or something more interesting!), we spent various weekends together on and off base, making the most of the time he was around.

After a while, I met his kids. I was bricking it if I’m honest! I really liked this guy but, “what if his kids hated me?” “What if they couldn’t accept their dad being with someone who wasn’t their mum?!”. The many scenarios went through my mind. How we’d have to end this whole thing, or keep our lives separate from the kids, or see one another in secret. I think I feared the rejection from them more than anything!

But, they were amazing and so accepting of me. They were just happy to see their dad happy for once and at 8 & 9, I thought that was very grown up of them too!

All was going well then 9 months in – Bang! Our first deployment arrived, ready to try and destroy us. Absolutely not! We were already incredibly strong and knew we’d make this work.

Summer 2016, I was handling a deployment, maintaining bonds with my not-husband’s kids and his parents, planning stuff for when Mr S returned, putting money aside for various things…Was THIS ‘adulting’?

I had doubted this relationship and its lifestyle from the start, but it was working! More than working, we were smashing it!

So how about now?!

By late 2016, we were into our second deployment (yep, another one straight after!) and we’d been looking to buy a house together. That’s pretty adult, right?

We’d looked at so many properties online and nothing was grabbing us, although we weren’t in a rush, we were craving our own space. I’d moved back with my parents to save some money and when not away, he was living on base. Whilst in Canada, Mr S sent me a link for a house and asked me to check it out. Long story short, we now live in it! (See deployment post for the full story)

Buying a house whilst he was deployed had its own problems, most notable – the time difference. He was 7 hours behind which meant any correspondence was an extra working day. By the time I’d spoken to him, the estate agent/solicitors/surveyors had closed for the day and so it continued.

Mr S was in a front line squadron so he was away A LOT, leaving me to handle home life alone.

When Mr S returned, we exchanged and moved in March 2017. Now here’s where life changed dramatically for me. I was now doing school runs Friday evenings and Monday mornings. I’d find myself cooking for three or four (as opposed to cereal for dinner), ironing uniforms or sat watching a school play without my not-husband. He’d be overseas and I’d be sat in an awful assembly wondering how my life got to this point?!

How much more adult can you get?! Surely THIS was adulting?

Yet I STILL doubt myself!

A couple of weeks back, I was holding ‘stuff’ (aka jumpers they refuse to wear, a rock they took a liking to in the car park and what was left of my sanity) whilst the kids took part in a Harry Potter broomstick ‘flying’ lesson, being told to ‘ooh‘ and ‘aah‘ by the crazy lady leading it!

“HOW ON EARTH DID I END UP HERE?!“

That was one of those moments where I questioned everything – just for a second! If you’d have asked me four years ago, if I’d be standing at a Harry Potter event (totally not my thing), ‘oohing and aahing’ at a fake flying lesson…I’d have told you not to be so ridiculous!

Being a step-mum was never something I planned for. I had no idea about being a parent, never mind being one to TWO hormonal pre-teen girls!

BUT! We’re now just a normal family, I don’t see them as ‘his kids’ (unless they’re channelling their inner tw*t, then they can be HIS!). They’re OUR kids and we do normal family stuff. Hearing the kids say to their friends, “this is my step-mum“, still freaks me out a bit, but I feel honoured to have been accepted into their lives so readily.

I question if I’m actually ‘adulting’, but I must be? I keep these teenagers alive, Mr S hasn’t left me for a more competent human and I haven’t burnt the house down…yet!

Statistics…do these show us as nation to be ‘adulting’?

If you take a look at the graphic here, the UK ranks slightly below the EU average for age to leave home. The statistic for men vs woman is aged 27.6 and 25.2 respectively. By that stat, I was way ahead as I left home at 18.

We could go one further and compare this to the 1960’s, where 62% of 18-34 year olds were living as married or co-habiting in their own home, compared to just 31% now. Of course many social and economic factors play a role but let’s not get too deep here.

Compare all this alongside ages for having children and we see more people now than ever aren’t having their first children until their thirties. In the early 1990’s, my Mum was horrified to be pregnant again (her 3rd, my brother) at the age of 30! She felt people would think “she should know better!” for being an ‘older’ mother.

But how normal is it now, that my friend at 39 is having her first. Society is fluid and opinions change over time. It is no longer seen as ‘older mother’ past 30, more ‘the norm’ (since writing this, I became a mother at 32). Just because society suggests one opinion right now, doesn’t mean it will stay that way!

What makes you feel like an adult? Do you feel like you’ve nailed the art of ‘adulting’? Are you expecting a baby but don’t feel like a ‘real grown-up’ yet? I’d love to hear from you!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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Urgh! Sunday evening and he’s leaving…AGAIN! Weekending sucks! How many of you can relate?

My wonderful not-husband leaves somewhere between 1800-1930 every Sunday, either to pick up others or be picked up. He’s working 180 miles from home during the week and travelling a good 4 hours (if he’s lucky) back each Friday to be with us. (aka weekending)

Why? Because the Army says so! Luckily only April – July for us, I know some of you do this long-term and I take my hat off to you!

Walking into a quiet, empty house, looking at the chaos in the kitchen after yet another rushed dinner. That sinking feeling knowing you’re eating and sleeping alone for the next week.

It isn’t all bad though…

Weekending means although I’m sleeping alone, there’s plenty of space and no one to steal the quilt from me! Amazing!

TV? Yep, that’s mine too, to watch whatever I feel like, at whatever time. I don’t watch a lot but when I do, it’s either as a form of escapism or it’s a knowledgeable programme where I learn something new. I’m fascinated by the mind, the decisions people make and the way they behave (my not-husband thinks I’m weird!) so anything about that, I’ll sit and watch to learn more.

Food…well, that’s good and bad. When he’s away, I see no issue with cereal for dinner at 9pm! Come on, I’m not the only one, admit it?!

I have no timings to keep to, I don’t need to cook a big meal, I just need to survive! I see the flexibility as a positive, yet I know I’m not eating properly during the week, so I suppose that’s a negative.

Cooking…I hate cooking! My lovely not-husband is the cook in this house and he enjoys it so it’s a bonus when he’s home. For now, I eat to live and will attempt to amend this soon…maybe!

Weekending = Choices

Weeks where he is picked up by other guys heading the same direction, I get both cars. Sweet! Which one I drive during that week all depends on which one has the most fuel in.

Obviously it’s his!

I’m a life on the edge kinda person, rolling into the petrol station on 0 miles, wondering if I can make it to the next fuel opportunity a mile or three down the road! Who’s with me?

Contrasting lifestyles

What’s hard about this weekending lark though, is the completely contrasting lifestyles I have! (No wonder I have a crazy brain!)

I live life as a single person Monday to Friday, I have no one else in the house to consider, I have no one to organise or get things ready for. I have no one to make any extra mess; the mess that appears is mine and mine alone. If I go out, I have no one to tell, I have no timing to get back to…after all, if I want cereal at 9pm, that’s cool remember!

So when the weekend arrives and I suddenly have three other people to think about, life is very different!

I’ve got to actually plan things like dinner that evening, because opening the freezer to see what falls out isn’t acceptable when you’ve got kids to feed. I have to make sure timings are met, like picking them up from school or getting them into bed.

I’ve suddenly got three people’s worth of washing to do and the dishwasher is now running daily, instead of weekly. I have two people not listening to me and one telling me how to do the things I do every single day without an issue! Argh! Where’s the wine?!

Don’t get me wrong…

We are just like any other family, we do have fantastic days out and precious family time making memories. We laugh, we joke, we relax and we enjoy the company.

On the weekends we don’t have the kids, they can go either way! Some (most) weekends, we have errands to run and jobs to do. The things that become difficult when the kids are around or that’re just easier without them. Like finding and fixing a part for our motorhome, picking up a new washing machine or working on the house.

Others we choose not to do anything other than have ‘us time’ because that’s important to us. We eat every meal together, we sit and chat, we watch a series we like. We have days out, we visit a place we both want to go and just enjoy having the other one there, or perhaps we sit and eat lunch in a beautiful place, whilst we catch up on the weeks events.

Giving time to your relationship

Having ‘us time’ is so important to maintaining a solid relationship when you live with all that military life throws at you. You have to put in the extra time to make sure you stay connected.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who worries about disconnecting. I worry that I’m getting too used to living alone, that I’m enjoying my own company more than I should. I fear the old me will creep back in; the me who thinks I don’t need anyone else, that I’m totally independent and don’t need help, comfort or support.

I wonder if when my not-husband is home for good, he’ll just annoy me, ruin my routine and get in the way. I worry that having him around will be too much and we will begin to grate on one another.

Well of course that’s just not true.

We have an incredibly solid foundation and cherish the time we spend together! He’s my best friend and I can’t wait to have him home every day! (Well almost every day, he is still bound by the army, of course)

We all need someone and sometimes we have to accept that we can’t do things alone. Whether that’s having support from a parent, your neighbour, an old friend or your husband.

Reflection

So as amazing as my weekends can be and how much I love my not-husband and the kids, weekend life can become super stressful, literally overnight!

I don’t feel guilty for admitting this because it’s all true, I struggle sometimes to adjust between living alone to living as a family of four. I sometimes struggle to cope with having two almost (they’re 12 and 13!) stroppy teenagers in the house, answering back and being far from helpful.

But equally I struggle to cope being alone sometimes. I just want someone else there to take the strain. Someone to cuddle up to after a rubbish day. I just want someone else to feed the dogs for once! The little things that make life easier.

Now I know “people have it far worse than you”, and yes that is true. I’m sure there are single mums who cope with more than I do. There are people like my mum, grieving the loss of her husband who will never return. But that doesn’t mean I can’t flow with the ups and downs.

This is MY NORMAL!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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The post Weekending! appeared first on The Not Wife Life.

You know, those weird ass, mostly nonsense thoughts you have sometimes, where you wonder if anyone else thinks these things…

Well I’m here to tell you they do!

It’s hard isn’t it?

Life!

Having entered the over 30’s category as an unmarried military spouse, I decided a blog might be a good idea (and now a podcast!)

I question everything and try to find my own logic through it. I figured if I write and just one person can relate (and feel a little more ‘normal‘) or learn something new, then my work here is done.

So who am I really? – Not just a military spouse!

Well, I’m no-one special. I live in a little village in the UK, ‘not married’ to a long-serving army man and have been for over five years now.

What I write isn’t fact, neither is it fiction, it is simply what I know, think and feel. Sharing my experiences with you in the hope you’ll relate; or at least have a new insight into the world of someone else.

I recently had a baby boy in a global pandemic (read about that here) which was pretty traumatic! (I’ll write about it when I feel strong enough to re-live it!) But he is amazing, so all is forgiven! He has two older sisters from my not-husband, and thankfully they love him very much…phew!

So what do I do when I’m not writing?

Well, I used to ‘workout’ twice a week at a military style (veteran owned) bootcamp and do things like walk Mount Snowdon just for fun. I loved to push my limits and really challenge myself fitness wise, but then a baby came along and all that had to stop (more about that here). Leaving your comfort zone now and then is great soul food and I can’t wait to get back to it!

I’m an animal lover with four dogs, yes – four! So you’ll probably find me out walking most days (which has been great during all of the UK Lockdowns). I crave the outdoors and particularly love the coast.

Professionally, I am part qualified as a counsellor, but Baby and a pandemic also put that on hold…so that’s ‘To Be Continued’. Although, I am qualified as a Mental Health First Aider with a focus on the Military Community.

I experience anxiety myself (notice I don’t use the word suffer!) and have had bouts of depression, but why should I let that hold me back from anything? The crazy thoughts are still there, I have just learnt to cope with them more easily. (Credit to my lovely counsellor – more about her another day!)

What else can I tell you?

Well, I’m fiercely independent! Not in a feminist way, I’ve just always wanted to do things for myself and not depend on anyone. (which is ironic as military spouses are known as ‘dependants’). But that isn’t always a good idea! There are times in life where we all need someone. Whether that’s your spouse, parent or a good friend, you need someone you can be your true self with.

I know this all too well, having ridden the emotional roller-coaster that was losing my amazing dad to a terminal illness. Read that one here.

So why am I The Not-Wife?

Well, the urban dictionary says,

“Your female partner, life partner, significant other who you are not married to but eternally committed to…“

Urban Dictionary

So I guess that’s the answer really. The commitment without the commitment? We live together, I am step-mum (urgh, that word!) to his two children, we now have a child together and we share everything as any married couple would.

Being in the military, everyone assumes you’re already married, which of course many are due to the demands of forces life. But I’ve been asked by welfare or at events like families day, “What’s your surname?” and that doesn’t work when you don’t have his name. What they’re actually asking is, who are you with or who are you linked to? (Click here to read my post about why women take their husband’s surname after marriage)

And why AREN’T we hitched?

Well, because he was scarred for life by the previous one! He’s quite rightfully fearful of another union since the first one ended badly. But he knows we’re not all the same! We are the best of friends, we never argue (we disagree, of course, but I just tell him he’s a dick wrong and we move on hehehe) and we have a ton of fun together.

So, until my wonderful not-husband is brave enough to commit again, I shall forever be his not-wife (which is a good thing because then I’d have to rename this entire blog!)

Whilst on our road trip to Scotland in our motorhome, we stopped at Gretna Green and added an engraved padlock to their ‘love lock’ sign. The engraving said ‘Not Husband & Not Wife’, with our names on the back.

Marriage Stats

What I find interesting though, is the divorce rate in the UK is at a 40 year low, with around 42% of marriages ending in divorce (in 2017 – stats aren’t updated that often apparently). Isn’t that still an incredibly high number?! Almost half of all marriages won’t work out?! Why is that?

What there aren’t statistics for, are long term, committed relationships – like the one I’m in – that end after years of a joint life. Do they last longer? Or do they just dissolve without anyone batting an eyelid?!

Although there are no official figures on second marriages and divorce rates, the Marriage Foundation suggests only 31% of second marriages ends in divorce. Which is good news right? Perhaps in your second marriage you learn to overcome issues more easily and make an extra effort to stay committed? Or is it that the first person wasn’t right for you or it happened a little too quickly. Or maybe too young? The possibilities are endless and every relationship is different, so how can we possibly conclude why second marriages are more successful?!

Military Life and Marriage

In my time as a military spouse, I am very aware that many forces relationships are dictated by the serving persons work life, which can sometimes lead to couples getting a shotgun wedding.

Now this doesn’t mean it is in any way rushed, it simply means that postings hours from home or overseas, deployments or training courses can often bring forward an already planned wedding. Some couples choose to have a simple signing of the register ceremony (the official bit) in order to be together sooner, with a bigger (not always) celebration and/or blessing at a more convenient time. Postings can dictate where you and your family will live and for how long, and that becomes a whole lot easier once you’ve signed that little book!

The military and us…

Loving someone who serves can be incredibly difficult at times, but it’s so worth it! We may spend three months or more apart due to a deployment, but that just makes every day we do spend together all the more precious!

For us, we bought our own house a few years ago, twenty minutes from camp and have settled in a place we both wanted to live. Luckily, we were at a point where we wouldn’t necessarily need to move anywhere (at least not for a while anyway) so it was an easy choice to make.

However; things do change (forces life is ALWAYS changing – learn to expect the unexpected!) and we ended up ‘weekending‘ in 2019.

Weekending? What’s that?

It just means the serving person is away during the week and only home at weekends.

Yes, it sucks!

That Sunday night “he’s leaving again” feeling, coupled with the Friday afternoon “shit, he’ll be back soon and the house is a tip” rush. EVERY WEEK! We were 180 miles apart, but thankfully it only lasted three months!

Weekending certainly has its own highs and lows, like any long distance relationship (more here). You still experience all that life has to throw at you; from love, to loss, to celebration and joy; you just have to learn to experience those things on your own.

Modern technology has of course made military life way easier and more bearable. Being able to see and talk to (when the connection actually works!) to someone the other side of the world is just amazing!! Sharing those moments helps you stay connected over the miles.

Over and Out

Well, that’s it from me,

Check out my Instagram for updates!

See you soon and stay strong whatever you’re going through!

Are you a fellow military spouse? What do you love or hate about military life? Are you living with someone but as of yet, unmarried? What contributed to your decision not to marry?

Head to my contact page and get in touch!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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