Rewind…

Let me take you back to a previous blog post not so long ago. Our story of an early miscarriage. If you haven’t got time to read the full post, here’s a quick recap.

In November 2019 we found out we were pregnant, but after only a few days, a doctor confirmed a miscarriage. It was super early but that didn’t mean it didn’t affect us. We were devastated, after just getting our heads around expecting a baby, straight into being told we’d lost it.

Fast forward to January 2020 when we discovered we’d conceived AGAIN! Much to our amazement – although we’re perfectly aware of how babies are made. As my previous post describes, we weren’t trying to conceive but we also weren’t making much effort to avoid it either. We followed my cycles but this isn’t foolproof. Following the miscarriage my cycles weren’t as they were, and with it being Christmas and New Year, we weren’t really paying much attention. We were enjoying family time, being at home and just generally relaxing after what was an awful year. We’d lost my Dad in the April, so life was a little upside down for a while. If it’s of interest, I wrote about my journey through grief here.

That’s definitely positive!

The week we found out, I’d not felt good. I even had to leave work early on the Friday as I felt really unwell at lunch. I’d missed breakfast and suddenly felt faint, dizzy and like I could just throw up. REALLY weird! Skipping a meal had never affected me like this before! I spent the next day or so feeling nauseous and ‘off’, and struggled with the bizarre need to constantly eat just to feel ‘well’.

Something wasn’t right and I just had an inkling that perhaps I was pregnant again…? Back in November I’d gone for a job in a local prison and found out I was pregnant the day before the interview. The news was a massive distraction and I didn’t perform as well as I could have. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. The same job came up in January and I reapplied. We’d joked about it happening again but never thought it actually would!

It did!

26th January I took the test – a lovely quiet Sunday morning and I had the interview coming up on the Tuesday! What’re the chances?! Same job, same situation!

So that Sunday morning, I followed my instincts and took a test. The second my pee hit the stick, it started to show a positive line! I remember looking at it in disbelief, thinking “how could it work THAT quick?!”. Unlike last time when we had a faint positive at first, this one was screaming out PREGNANT!!

I took the test into my not-husband and said “Erm, you know how we joked about the same situation happening again? Well…” and gave him the test to see for himself. He was just as surprised as I was! I can’t recall the exact conversation as it’s all a bit of a blur, but I do remember him being a lot more chilled about it than me.

I was still silently freaking out about having a baby!!

Mixed emotions about a baby…

Now, this blog is my place to be honest. So here it is. I absolutely had mixed feelings knowing I was pregnant again. My first reaction wasn’t like you see on TV, I didn’t jump for joy, I wasn’t excited. In fact I felt the opposite! I think I almost felt dread and disappointment, which sounds awful to say but in that moment, I felt this was completely the wrong timing.

We’d lost our first in November and that gave us a glimpse at a possible future. The life we began to envisage was taken away and it hurt. I like to try and find the positives of any situation and I felt perhaps it was an opportunity to work on myself for a while. I had struggled a lot over the last year or so with “what’s my purpose?!“. I’d given up my business, cared for my dad who was just 60 when he passed away and I’d just started embarking on a counselling career.

My confidence had taken a nose dive in recent months, I just wasn’t ‘me‘ anymore, so after the loss (and all the ‘I failed as a woman’ thoughts), I felt I should take the time to build myself back up. Hence the initial mixed feelings I experienced. I felt terrible for feeling this way! I thought of women who long to be pregnant! But I was also petrified we’d lose this one too and have to go through it all again. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to this little one, which made me feel worse about how I felt. I desperately wanted this pregnancy and baby to be healthy.

Let’s just say…I was a bit of a mess inside!

My not-husband was amazing. He was on the “it’ll all be fine” bus. Of course he had the same fears as I did after our previous loss but he didn’t let me see, he just let me know he was there and that whatever happened we would get through it.

I have to tell someone!

That afternoon I’d arranged to meet my friend (I’ve mentioned her before…I cried at her wedding in the run up to losing my Dad!) for a coffee and a catch up. I still went and didn’t plan on telling her our news. As we caught up, she was asking how I was feeling (emotionally) since the miscarriage. If she’d have asked the day before, I’d have told her how I was feeling better but still consumed by thoughts of why it happened, what life would be like going forward, how I felt about ‘children’ as a whole.

In my previous posts I’ve talked about how I’ve never been the type of person to WANT kids. I didn’t feel like being maternal had ever been in my instincts, although I have two stepdaughters (nearly 13 & 15) who I have a great relationship with. My not-husband had always said he didn’t want any more children; although, he’d also said, if it happened, it would be a good thing (confusing I know!) so it was never on the cards for us, hence we never REALLY talked about it seriously. My feelings changed after the miscarriage though and I felt like I DID want this (but not yet!)… Just to throw in some extra confusion!

So when my friend asked me that, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know anymore! “I’ve got to tell you because if I don’t tell someone, I’m going to go mad!” and proceeded to tell her about the test I’d taken a few hours earlier. She was so excited for us! She jumped out of her chair (7 months pregnant herself by this point!) and gave me a hug. It felt like a huge relief to tell her and talk through my fears. She totally understood and made me feel slightly less crazy. She too was on the “it’ll all be fine” bus with my not-husband.

Acceptance

It wasn’t until week 11 that I finally felt like I’d accepted what was happening. That this baby was happening and my life was changing! Up until that point I’d had an awful time – I was so unwell I hated being pregnant! (that’s a post for another day!) The sickness and headaches lasted up until around 18 weeks which made me feel so rotten! I can’t even begin to list all the emotions I went through, I felt everything!

We had a scan at nine weeks due to my anxiety and fear of another miscarriage and luckily all was absolutely fine with baby. I think that helped shift my thoughts after seeing our little tiny human on a screen for the first time. It kind of hit me that day, it was real and not just in my head, but it still all seemed so surreal and I almost felt in denial. I really struggled to connect with this baby inside me and it wasn’t easy to admit!

As I write this, we’re now at 25 weeks and all is well. It certainly hasn’t been easy and I’m sure there’s plenty more to come. But for now, baby is healthy, I am nine-tenths human and life isn’t looking so gloomy!

No matter what you’re feeling, it’s absolutely fine and normal to be experiencing it. Whether you have children or stepchildren already, or you’re pregnant, or trying to conceive, or maybe you’re totally against ever having children…each decision you make is your own and however you feel about it is okay! Remember to reach out, you might be surprised at how many others feel the same way as you do.

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

X

JOIN ME ON INSTAGRAM – CLICK HERE

The post Unexpectedly Expecting appeared first on The Not Wife Life.

Urgh! Sunday evening and he’s leaving…AGAIN! Weekending sucks! How many of you can relate?

My wonderful not-husband leaves somewhere between 1800-1930 every Sunday, either to pick up others or be picked up. He’s working 180 miles from home during the week and travelling a good 4 hours (if he’s lucky) back each Friday to be with us. (aka weekending)

Why? Because the Army says so! Luckily only April – July for us, I know some of you do this long-term and I take my hat off to you!

Walking into a quiet, empty house, looking at the chaos in the kitchen after yet another rushed dinner. That sinking feeling knowing you’re eating and sleeping alone for the next week.

It isn’t all bad though…

Weekending means although I’m sleeping alone, there’s plenty of space and no one to steal the quilt from me! Amazing!

TV? Yep, that’s mine too, to watch whatever I feel like, at whatever time. I don’t watch a lot but when I do, it’s either as a form of escapism or it’s a knowledgeable programme where I learn something new. I’m fascinated by the mind, the decisions people make and the way they behave (my not-husband thinks I’m weird!) so anything about that, I’ll sit and watch to learn more.

Food…well, that’s good and bad. When he’s away, I see no issue with cereal for dinner at 9pm! Come on, I’m not the only one, admit it?!

I have no timings to keep to, I don’t need to cook a big meal, I just need to survive! I see the flexibility as a positive, yet I know I’m not eating properly during the week, so I suppose that’s a negative.

Cooking…I hate cooking! My lovely not-husband is the cook in this house and he enjoys it so it’s a bonus when he’s home. For now, I eat to live and will attempt to amend this soon…maybe!

Weekending = Choices

Weeks where he is picked up by other guys heading the same direction, I get both cars. Sweet! Which one I drive during that week all depends on which one has the most fuel in.

Obviously it’s his!

I’m a life on the edge kinda person, rolling into the petrol station on 0 miles, wondering if I can make it to the next fuel opportunity a mile or three down the road! Who’s with me?

Contrasting lifestyles

What’s hard about this weekending lark though, is the completely contrasting lifestyles I have! (No wonder I have a crazy brain!)

I live life as a single person Monday to Friday, I have no one else in the house to consider, I have no one to organise or get things ready for. I have no one to make any extra mess; the mess that appears is mine and mine alone. If I go out, I have no one to tell, I have no timing to get back to…after all, if I want cereal at 9pm, that’s cool remember!

So when the weekend arrives and I suddenly have three other people to think about, life is very different!

I’ve got to actually plan things like dinner that evening, because opening the freezer to see what falls out isn’t acceptable when you’ve got kids to feed. I have to make sure timings are met, like picking them up from school or getting them into bed.

I’ve suddenly got three people’s worth of washing to do and the dishwasher is now running daily, instead of weekly. I have two people not listening to me and one telling me how to do the things I do every single day without an issue! Argh! Where’s the wine?!

Don’t get me wrong…

We are just like any other family, we do have fantastic days out and precious family time making memories. We laugh, we joke, we relax and we enjoy the company.

On the weekends we don’t have the kids, they can go either way! Some (most) weekends, we have errands to run and jobs to do. The things that become difficult when the kids are around or that’re just easier without them. Like finding and fixing a part for our motorhome, picking up a new washing machine or working on the house.

Others we choose not to do anything other than have ‘us time’ because that’s important to us. We eat every meal together, we sit and chat, we watch a series we like. We have days out, we visit a place we both want to go and just enjoy having the other one there, or perhaps we sit and eat lunch in a beautiful place, whilst we catch up on the weeks events.

Giving time to your relationship

Having ‘us time’ is so important to maintaining a solid relationship when you live with all that military life throws at you. You have to put in the extra time to make sure you stay connected.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who worries about disconnecting. I worry that I’m getting too used to living alone, that I’m enjoying my own company more than I should. I fear the old me will creep back in; the me who thinks I don’t need anyone else, that I’m totally independent and don’t need help, comfort or support.

I wonder if when my not-husband is home for good, he’ll just annoy me, ruin my routine and get in the way. I worry that having him around will be too much and we will begin to grate on one another.

Well of course that’s just not true.

We have an incredibly solid foundation and cherish the time we spend together! He’s my best friend and I can’t wait to have him home every day! (Well almost every day, he is still bound by the army, of course)

We all need someone and sometimes we have to accept that we can’t do things alone. Whether that’s having support from a parent, your neighbour, an old friend or your husband.

Reflection

So as amazing as my weekends can be and how much I love my not-husband and the kids, weekend life can become super stressful, literally overnight!

I don’t feel guilty for admitting this because it’s all true, I struggle sometimes to adjust between living alone to living as a family of four. I sometimes struggle to cope with having two almost (they’re 12 and 13!) stroppy teenagers in the house, answering back and being far from helpful.

But equally I struggle to cope being alone sometimes. I just want someone else there to take the strain. Someone to cuddle up to after a rubbish day. I just want someone else to feed the dogs for once! The little things that make life easier.

Now I know “people have it far worse than you”, and yes that is true. I’m sure there are single mums who cope with more than I do. There are people like my mum, grieving the loss of her husband who will never return. But that doesn’t mean I can’t flow with the ups and downs.

This is MY NORMAL!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

X

JOIN ME ON INSTAGRAM – CLICK HERE

The post Weekending! appeared first on The Not Wife Life.

I wanted to share a little of my journey through grief with you. Why?! Because I wish I’d have understood more about the grieving process before it started. Before I experienced the loss!

Losing my amazing Dad has been the toughest, most self-defining time of my life. It made me question everything, it changed my view on life and it pushed me to confront fears I never knew I had.

The Beginning

We never saw it coming!

June 2018, Father’s Day. Little did we know, it’d be our last!

My Dad and I shared that day in a hospital observations ward. He’d had back pain for quite some time but this was something new. An odd lack of sensation had occurred. He couldn’t feel a rough towel on his legs like he normally could. After days of tests and scans, we got it. That dreaded diagnosis.

After months of pain and discomfort, we now knew why. Dad was told he had suspected Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma which had spread to his bones. His spine was full of lesions (cancerous cells), which had caused the discs to fracture, hence the pain! Then there was his age…he had only just turned 60 a month earlier!

World blown apart! And where was my darling not-husband during all of this? Well, deployed of course, these things don’t happen when they’re home! He’d already missed Dad’s surprise party in May and was not due back for another month!

Now what?!

A transfer to another hospital for immediate radiotherapy then back to the first to start chemotherapy. And so it began…

Anticipatory Grief

Something nobody talks about! Everyone assumes grief only occurs when someone has passed away…wrong!

Anticipatory grief is completely normal! Who knew?!

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Grief as we know it begins when a loved one passes away, however; anticipatory grief occurs much earlier – but can be just as powerful – whilst the person is still living. The person living with the illness can also experience this type of grief, as they lose the individual they once were.

Anticipatory grief pretty much means mourning the loss of the person that once was and the lifestyle they had.

Some people who experience this may feel more prepared for the loss, or the person with the illness may feel ready to ‘let go’. Whilst others will start the grieving process all over again once the death has actually occurred. There is no right or wrong way to grieve for a loved one.

The well known model by Kübler-Ross, suggests there are 5 stages of grief and that we can experience any or all stages, at any time during the grieving process.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

All of these stages can include various symptoms of anticipatory grief, both emotional and physical. Sadness, anxiety, fatigue, forgetfulness, fear, muscle tension, guilt, regret, headaches and loneliness, just to name a few.

For me, I was plagued with viral infections; coughs and colds that would usually disappear after a week. A combination of poor diet from meals on the go, sleepless nights and anxious nausea, made remaining healthy myself, so much harder.

Change!

When someone so close is diagnosed with a terminal illness, everything changes! Every thought you have becomes influenced. You consider things you’ve never once given a thought to before.

Depending on the type of illness your loved one has, many changes can occur in them too. Whether it be memory problems, mobility issues or losing their independence, all of these things have an impact. Sometimes it may not be the illness that causes the symptoms, but the medications themselves.

Dad was on morphine based medications for over a year and by the end was taking incredibly high doses. Opioid based pain relief have so many side effects I won’t even begin to start listing them. But that amount of drug is enough to change anyone’s personality!

Watching that person you love deteriorate in front of you is devastating! You feel sad for the times you can no longer share. You feel angry at the things they’ll miss out on but you also feel honoured to be able to care for them. Every emotion possible passes through your mind.

Back and Forth

Treatment began and hospitals became our daily routine. We were all exhausted! Restlessness sets in as you spend hour after hour staring at the same four walls. A combination of radiotherapy sessions and chemotherapy drugs was making Dad feel rotten. The sickness only caused more pain for his back and with each day that passed, he was losing more feeling from his ribs down!

This way happening quickly! Far quicker than any of us ever imagined!

We fluctuated between stages of grief. Anger, to denial, to bargaining and back again. We’d try anything to make this stop! Dad would agree to start eating healthier on one day, then ask, “what’s the point?”, the next.

By mid July, my wonderful not-husband was due back from deployment and it could not be more welcome! He’d left in April and all was well. By June he was face-timing Dad in hospital and being told off for making him laugh…because laughing with a broken back hurts!

Dad was back home when my not-husband returned. Now visiting consultants and Dr’s almost weekly and using crutches and a zimmer frame to get around the house. A big change from April when Dad was building himself a new shed from scratch!

August and September came and went. Dad lost more mobility week after week. He was now sleeping downstairs and with no hope of surgery or a cure, Dad refused any further treatment!

A devastating blow for the family but we had to respect Dad’s decision…no matter how hard that was to accept!

Had he reached the acceptance stage already, or was this the depression stage? Was he giving up on life?

Entering The Unknown

October arrived and Dad was feeling somewhat brighter without all the cancer drugs and injections. He and my brother had already postponed a road-trip across Europe, so it was now or never!

They spent a week driving through France, Germany and Austria, visiting all kinds of places along the way. Dad was really struggling with sitting in the Motorhome for so many hours at a time and was having trouble getting in and out, so they returned a day early.

November was looking bleak. Dad had been off all treatment for a month now and told he could deteriorate rapidly without the drugs. No real prognosis could be given as we didn’t know how aggressive it was. Hoping for the best was now our only option…

Like us, Mum and Dad were also ‘not-husband’ and ‘not-wife’, so after more than three decades together, this was another ‘now or never’ moment.

We applied for and were granted a waiver for the usual 30 days notice of marriage and with Dad now being fully wheelchair dependent, we had a sit down ceremony too. With just three weeks of planning, we managed to pull off the most magical day! A memory treasured by us all!

They were now husband and wife!

Is This It?! Is our loss imminent?!

Christmas wasn’t exactly a time of celebration as you can imagine. You begin thinking about the next one, where you know Dad won’t be there! The depression sets in for everyone. You wonder how life can ever be normal again?! The anger fills you with hate of how unfair this all is! The denial…because he’s my strong, powerful Dad, this can’t possibly happen to him!

Now almost completely bed-bound, Dad had pressure sores developing and infections hitting him from all directions. His immune system had been destroyed by the chemotherapy and radiation and the pain was unbearable. Admissions to hospital came for December; allowed home on Christmas Eve through compassion, returning on New Year’s Day.

January came with a different kind of admission. This time to a hospice. We thought, “this is it”. No one comes back out of a hospice…do they?! A syringe driver was put in and the reality is, that meant, ‘end of life’ drugs. Another devastating blow with reality hitting us in the face!

We thought, “He’s not going to see February”.

The anticipatory grief kicks back in. You start questioning everything! “Have we done enough?”, “Should we have sought a second opinion at the start?”, “Why didn’t we notice earlier?”, “Perhaps it’s been misdiagnosed?”, “Why Dad? He’s a good man.”, “What’s the point of all this?”

“How can this be it for a once fit, strong, healthy Dad, Grandad and Husband?”

Then the images of the future appear. You begin to see the things Dad will miss out on and you cry.

The Confusion

Now, I’m happy being a not-wife and have no plans to marry my not-husband any time soon, but February brought thoughts I never imagined would come. We attended a beautiful wedding which saw one of my closest friends tie the knot with her army man…being walked down the aisle by her father.

Oh the emotions! Whilst I was incredibly happy for our friends, it stirred emotions inside of me that I never knew I had. It was the “my Dad will never be able to do that” thought and that broke me. It hurt…but why, I’m not having a wedding…it just didn’t make sense!

I managed to hold it together right up until the reception, when I watched the bridesmaid dance with her father. It hit me all over again! The tears broke through and I had to get some air.

Life as we knew it…

After two weeks, Dad did leave the hospice and requested everything be managed at home. He signed a DNAR form which expressed his wishes not to be resuscitated and now had a hospital bed in the lounge. That form was Dad’s acceptance stage, he knew this was it and did not want to prolong the inevitable.

We were into the “any day now” mindset. Dad would spend a lot of the time ‘out of it’. With so much diamorphine, he was confused, hallucinating, vomitting, drowsy…the list is endless. He required 24 hour care and to begin with, we had no care package in place. Mum, my brothers and I were exhausted, both mentally and physically.

My own life was on hold, I wasn’t taking as good care of myself as I should have been and my housework was piling up. My sinus infection and bad chest had not cleared up, I was feeling awful every day, only for the Dr to tell me, “you just need to rest!”. HOW?!

Being self-employed, I’d given up a lot of my clients to free up more time to spend with Dad. It had become about quality rather than quantity and both were dwindling fast! Not working, coupled with daily pharmacy trips and visits to see Dad was taking its own kind of toll, financially.

By now, my not-husband was away again, but this time on exercise in the UK. He’d driven himself separately so that he could return home at a moments notice, without having to mess up anyone else’s day. Once that was complete, he was home again for a few weeks before we started ‘weekending‘. The timing sucked, but you don’t get to choose these things when you’re in the military. So we carried on the best we could.

Mum had asked if I wanted to be there when ‘it’ happened. I said yes!

The False Alarms

We started to think, “he’s definitely not going to make it to March”.

Mum had called me late one night to say, “I think this is it, you need to be here”.

So I drove over, preparing myself to say goodbye to my beautiful, kind-hearted Dad. We sat by his bedside for hours, comforting, reassuring and soothing him. He seemed to pull back from the edge and settle down.

He’s going to be okay for a little while longer…phew!

Then it happened again mid-March, the phone call of doom, I mentally prepared myself. I arrived to see Dad breathing very shallow and think, “tonight’s the night”.

Wrong again! Just a chest infection. A course of anti-biotics and Dad was back chatting, sitting in his chair and discussing engineering programmes on TV with my wonderful not-husband. How?! My Dad was so strong, he was defying the laws of medicine.

The ‘Crazy Brain’

“Well, he can’t possibly see April…can he?!” My emotions were shot to pieces, up and down like a yo-yo, constantly preparing myself to say goodbye. Preparing for that loss.

Every time I left, I’d wonder if that would be my last goodbye. “Did I remember to say, “I love you”? Did I give him a kiss? Had I hugged him tight enough?”

Every time my phone made a noise, the panic would set in, the fear would fill my mind.” Would this be the call to tell me my Dad has died?”

Nothing is the same.

I am not the same.

I don’t feel like ‘me’ any more. I’m struggling to stay afloat. Picking up medications every single day, because he’s on such high doses they can’t dispense any extra. I just want to sleep, but I can’t sleep for the worry in my mind. The uncertainty, the anticipation and angst of just not knowing! I’ve entered survival mode, I do whatever it takes just to get through the day, often running on autopilot, supporting everyone else to make sure they have what they need, whilst ignoring my own.

I wonder if this new anxious, on edge, tearful yet numb me, is the new ‘me’? Feeling the guilt of no longer being ‘me’, I question how on earth my amazing not-husband could want to be with this ‘new me’?! I ponder why he’s sticking around for all of this? Then he reminds me how much he loves me AND my family and I feel a little brighter. But that doesn’t last long, I’ve become hyper alert, I can’t switch off, I’m organising things in my head, I’m not present in the moment. The constant thoughts about what comes next…

The Final Curtain

21st April, Easter Sunday, 2019

My not-husband and I had been on a rare afternoon out together. A beautiful walk around a forest and a lake. Tranquility and calm. Just perfect!

1800hrs – On our way home, we popped in to see Dad. He’d said he was feeling pretty awful but had another chest infection, so that was to be expected. All seemed well, we chatted about our day out and caught up with my Auntie who was visiting. We said goodbye, I said, “I love you”, I hugged him and I gave him a kiss.

That was the last time.

2256hrs – “I think you need to be here”. We’d been here before more than once and as we’d only seen Dad a few hours earlier we weren’t expecting it. We sorted ourselves out, settled the dogs and got in the car. They only live 4 minutes away, so we’ve always been on hand.

2315hrs – “You’re too late, he’s at peace now”.

How can this be possible?! How could it happen so quick? Why did I not know earlier? What if I’d have left quicker? Did he wait for me to not be there?

I could torture myself with these thoughts all day long but the truth is, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’.

My beautiful, kind, caring, intelligent, amazing Dad had gone. It was all over! The sorrow hit. The tears flowed. My heart broke for my dear Mum who’d lost her soul mate. How would she be able to carry on without him? How would any of us cope with this huge loss in our life?

Published on 20th May, in loving memory of my incredible Dad, who would have been 61 today!

The Not Wife

x

Part Two – After The Loss – coming soon.

JOIN ME ON INSTAGRAM – CLICK HERE

The post Loss vs Life appeared first on The Not Wife Life.

You know, those weird ass, mostly nonsense thoughts you have sometimes, where you wonder if anyone else thinks these things…

Well I’m here to tell you they do!

It’s hard isn’t it?

Life!

Having entered the over 30’s category as an unmarried military spouse, I decided a blog might be a good idea (and now a podcast!)

I question everything and try to find my own logic through it. I figured if I write and just one person can relate (and feel a little more ‘normal‘) or learn something new, then my work here is done.

So who am I really? – Not just a military spouse!

Well, I’m no-one special. I live in a little village in the UK, ‘not married’ to a long-serving army man and have been for over five years now.

What I write isn’t fact, neither is it fiction, it is simply what I know, think and feel. Sharing my experiences with you in the hope you’ll relate; or at least have a new insight into the world of someone else.

I recently had a baby boy in a global pandemic (read about that here) which was pretty traumatic! (I’ll write about it when I feel strong enough to re-live it!) But he is amazing, so all is forgiven! He has two older sisters from my not-husband, and thankfully they love him very much…phew!

So what do I do when I’m not writing?

Well, I used to ‘workout’ twice a week at a military style (veteran owned) bootcamp and do things like walk Mount Snowdon just for fun. I loved to push my limits and really challenge myself fitness wise, but then a baby came along and all that had to stop (more about that here). Leaving your comfort zone now and then is great soul food and I can’t wait to get back to it!

I’m an animal lover with four dogs, yes – four! So you’ll probably find me out walking most days (which has been great during all of the UK Lockdowns). I crave the outdoors and particularly love the coast.

Professionally, I am part qualified as a counsellor, but Baby and a pandemic also put that on hold…so that’s ‘To Be Continued’. Although, I am qualified as a Mental Health First Aider with a focus on the Military Community.

I experience anxiety myself (notice I don’t use the word suffer!) and have had bouts of depression, but why should I let that hold me back from anything? The crazy thoughts are still there, I have just learnt to cope with them more easily. (Credit to my lovely counsellor – more about her another day!)

What else can I tell you?

Well, I’m fiercely independent! Not in a feminist way, I’ve just always wanted to do things for myself and not depend on anyone. (which is ironic as military spouses are known as ‘dependants’). But that isn’t always a good idea! There are times in life where we all need someone. Whether that’s your spouse, parent or a good friend, you need someone you can be your true self with.

I know this all too well, having ridden the emotional roller-coaster that was losing my amazing dad to a terminal illness. Read that one here.

So why am I The Not-Wife?

Well, the urban dictionary says,

“Your female partner, life partner, significant other who you are not married to but eternally committed to…“

Urban Dictionary

So I guess that’s the answer really. The commitment without the commitment? We live together, I am step-mum (urgh, that word!) to his two children, we now have a child together and we share everything as any married couple would.

Being in the military, everyone assumes you’re already married, which of course many are due to the demands of forces life. But I’ve been asked by welfare or at events like families day, “What’s your surname?” and that doesn’t work when you don’t have his name. What they’re actually asking is, who are you with or who are you linked to? (Click here to read my post about why women take their husband’s surname after marriage)

And why AREN’T we hitched?

Well, because he was scarred for life by the previous one! He’s quite rightfully fearful of another union since the first one ended badly. But he knows we’re not all the same! We are the best of friends, we never argue (we disagree, of course, but I just tell him he’s a dick wrong and we move on hehehe) and we have a ton of fun together.

So, until my wonderful not-husband is brave enough to commit again, I shall forever be his not-wife (which is a good thing because then I’d have to rename this entire blog!)

Whilst on our road trip to Scotland in our motorhome, we stopped at Gretna Green and added an engraved padlock to their ‘love lock’ sign. The engraving said ‘Not Husband & Not Wife’, with our names on the back.

Marriage Stats

What I find interesting though, is the divorce rate in the UK is at a 40 year low, with around 42% of marriages ending in divorce (in 2017 – stats aren’t updated that often apparently). Isn’t that still an incredibly high number?! Almost half of all marriages won’t work out?! Why is that?

What there aren’t statistics for, are long term, committed relationships – like the one I’m in – that end after years of a joint life. Do they last longer? Or do they just dissolve without anyone batting an eyelid?!

Although there are no official figures on second marriages and divorce rates, the Marriage Foundation suggests only 31% of second marriages ends in divorce. Which is good news right? Perhaps in your second marriage you learn to overcome issues more easily and make an extra effort to stay committed? Or is it that the first person wasn’t right for you or it happened a little too quickly. Or maybe too young? The possibilities are endless and every relationship is different, so how can we possibly conclude why second marriages are more successful?!

Military Life and Marriage

In my time as a military spouse, I am very aware that many forces relationships are dictated by the serving persons work life, which can sometimes lead to couples getting a shotgun wedding.

Now this doesn’t mean it is in any way rushed, it simply means that postings hours from home or overseas, deployments or training courses can often bring forward an already planned wedding. Some couples choose to have a simple signing of the register ceremony (the official bit) in order to be together sooner, with a bigger (not always) celebration and/or blessing at a more convenient time. Postings can dictate where you and your family will live and for how long, and that becomes a whole lot easier once you’ve signed that little book!

The military and us…

Loving someone who serves can be incredibly difficult at times, but it’s so worth it! We may spend three months or more apart due to a deployment, but that just makes every day we do spend together all the more precious!

For us, we bought our own house a few years ago, twenty minutes from camp and have settled in a place we both wanted to live. Luckily, we were at a point where we wouldn’t necessarily need to move anywhere (at least not for a while anyway) so it was an easy choice to make.

However; things do change (forces life is ALWAYS changing – learn to expect the unexpected!) and we ended up ‘weekending‘ in 2019.

Weekending? What’s that?

It just means the serving person is away during the week and only home at weekends.

Yes, it sucks!

That Sunday night “he’s leaving again” feeling, coupled with the Friday afternoon “shit, he’ll be back soon and the house is a tip” rush. EVERY WEEK! We were 180 miles apart, but thankfully it only lasted three months!

Weekending certainly has its own highs and lows, like any long distance relationship (more here). You still experience all that life has to throw at you; from love, to loss, to celebration and joy; you just have to learn to experience those things on your own.

Modern technology has of course made military life way easier and more bearable. Being able to see and talk to (when the connection actually works!) to someone the other side of the world is just amazing!! Sharing those moments helps you stay connected over the miles.

Over and Out

Well, that’s it from me,

Check out my Instagram for updates!

See you soon and stay strong whatever you’re going through!

Are you a fellow military spouse? What do you love or hate about military life? Are you living with someone but as of yet, unmarried? What contributed to your decision not to marry?

Head to my contact page and get in touch!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

X

JOIN ME ON INSTAGRAM!

The post So Who Am I? – The Unmarried Military Spouse appeared first on The Not Wife Life.