So here goes…

Quick back story to get you up to speed if you don’t have time to scroll back through my blog. My not-husband and I met back in 2015. We met online as I was working 13-hour shifts on a surgical ward, and he was doing the usual too-ing and fro-ing that comes with being in a front-line squadron.

He has two girls from a previous marriage, and we now have a little boy together. When we met, I had vowed never to date someone with children (I wasn’t ready to take on a family!) and he declared he didn’t want any more children. But…here we are, smashing this blended family thing!

In the beginning,

my not-husband was living ‘on camp’ after the break up of his marriage earlier that year, and I was temporarily living with my parents after the end of a long-term relationship. So being in similar situations, neither of us had our own space, nor were we interested in anything too serious!

When he wasn’t away enjoying the perks of Army life – seeing the world, we spent a lot of time together. I’d often stay in the mess (rooms on the base) but that came with its own issues, of course. I’d have to be signed in and get a temporary visitor’s pass during day times, and for overnight stays, well they required a monumental form filling exercise with approval that had to be arranged in advance, so half the time it just wasn’t worth the effort!

We saw one another fairly often on and off camp, making the most of the time we had together. He would have his girls every other weekend, so to begin with, we didn’t see each other then. Once I’d met them (then 8 and almost 10) we’d often spend the weekends together; going on days out, or to the beach, or walking our dogs somewhere new (I had 3 and he had 1).

We’d sometimes stay on camp together (if we’d done that pain in the backside paperwork) or we’d all go to visit my not-husband’s parents and stay over there. This lack of our own space was perhaps the biggest influence in our decision to buy a house together.

So in 2016,

we’d made the decision to start house hunting but as always with military life, that wasn’t simple either, and my not-husband deployed for the second time that year. Whilst in Canada, he sent me a link to a house new on the market and he asked me to view it. You’ll find that story here – The Crazy World of Deployment – but long story short…we now live in that house!

So we now lived together, ‘off the patch’ (not in military quarters) which, of course, has its advantages. It’s our own to do as we please (I feel lucky to have not lived a magnolia life) and when my not-husband is at home, he feels as though he’s away from work. But it can also mean not having that connection to other military families that you get when all your neighbours are service personnel.

Connecting with the military community…

Back in 2017, when work allowed, I attended a couple of coffee mornings and met some other spouses but there was one big difference…I didn’t have children. Being the only one without children and living away from the patch, I felt almost like ‘an outsider’. They were spending their week in and out of one another’s houses, some had children at the same school, and others attended baby groups together. It was hard to fit into that without that link.

Don’t get me wrong, I met some great people that way, and the get-togethers are fantastic for that purpose. But at the time, I had started my own business and was working a lot, so I couldn’t always make the coffee mornings. I’d miss several weeks and feel out of the loop and this only added to the isolation. This is where groups such as the Milspo Network and MCN (Military Coworking Network) come in. These groups are vital for spouses to connect through business, wherever they might be, even if it’s only ever virtually. I joined both and they’re incredible communities to be a part of, especially during this year when so many of us have lacked human interaction. The weekly zoom sessions keep me sane!!

Living in a little village, I, of course, know people here and I’m also lucky enough to have the most wonderful next-door neighbour. She’s the kind of neighbour every girl needs and we support each other through all sorts.

But when it comes to friendships and a wider support network, what does that look like?

Well, I find that military friends often come in the form of spouses of the serving person’s colleagues. This is true for me, and in a way, it works out well as we often experience things like deployments together, so we’re able to support each other through it. The downside comes when you’re socialising, and the guys talk nothing but work because that’s their lives!

Being slightly older, there’s actually a lot of us in our military friendship groups who own houses, so for us, it feels like the norm to be living ‘off the patch’. We do BBQs, or drinks together (remember those days?!) but I do think many friends come from living in quarters, so perhaps I’m missing out there?

Social media is also a fantastic way to connect with other spouses, and I met one of my best friends this way! We had both commented on a ‘where are you based?’ post on a group for army spouses. We both wrote ‘Somerset‘ but after chatting, discovered we lived two villages apart. We met at the local pub that weekend and the rest is history! So if you’re afraid of joining them, or feel nervous about posting, go for it! It might be the best thing you ever do!

Civilian friends…

are great and much needed, but there’s something special in having people around you who just ‘get it’, isn’t there? The ones you don’t have to explain yourself to, the ones who check in because they know you’re alone yet again.

During deployments, I found I’d have two answers to the question, ” How are you? “. A military answer and a civilian answer. The civvi answer would always be the typical British ” yes I’m fine thanks, you? “, whereas the military answer could be a whole lot more honest! ” I’m done, it’s all shit! Skype failed for the 74th time, the boiler just broke and the deployment has been extended “. Because military families get every part of that completely!

So what about not being married?

Well, so far, so good!

The main issue I see is with postings and housing. As I mentioned before, we’ve not needed to move and have our own house, so we’ve not had to deal with a housing issue…yet.

Luckily the military way is changing, and there is an ever-increasing awareness of modern-day families. The traditional view seems to be that of the army wife, at home, with two children (or something similar). When of course that’s just not how it is anymore. Families come in many different forms, from blended families to same-sex couples, to single parents, there’s no ‘typical’ family unit, I don’t think.

Since 2019,

surplus properties have been available to couples who can prove they’re in an established long-term relationship. We would fit this category and could apply if the situation arose, which is good to know. We did the unaccompanied/weekending piece for three months, and I’m not sure I could do it long-term! Hats off to those of you who do! To qualify, they require evidence of your relationship. They actually accept quite a range of things including utility bills or household information such as; being on the electoral roll, having a child together, or holding a joint bank account. For more information on how this works, visit the AFF site for a well-explained run down – click here.

For us, I think the only issue would come with an overseas posting, as I believe these do still require you to be married. Correct me if I’m wrong. So as I’ve said before, that would be marrying for convenience and as a formality, which is fine if you were already planning on tying the knot, but we’re not. I’ve known a fair few couples bring their wedding forward to be together sooner. Some have even had a small ‘official bit’ wedding then a bigger (not always) celebration later on once settled in their new place.

Dependant??

So what about this age-old thing of a military spouse being called a ‘dependant’?!

Annoying, isn’t it? I can almost hear your rants from here!

I am pretty sure it comes from the days of the ‘typical army wife’ staying at home with the children, following her husband from posting to posting, for the entirety of his career. Of course, this suited families in the 1950’s, but this isn’t the reality in 2021, as I’m sure many of you can attest.

Many mums are now the ones serving whilst others are husbands or wives of serving women. Some are, like me, not married to their serving person, yet I am known as a dependant and have a ‘dependants’ pass’, which is another positive step as you usually have to be married to have one.

But I don’t consider myself to be dependent on my not-husband. I survive several deployments, alone, for months at a time. I don’t depend on my not-husband being here to keep me going. I’d be screwed if I did! Damn, I even do the blue jobs! As ‘dependants’ we run the house, hold down a job, study, care for children, whatever it might be, whether our spouses are around or not, right? Children, I’d call dependants, they do require us to be around to care for them and keep them alive. But, us spouses…? I think not!

In relation to finances, we have many serving friends whose partners actually earn far more than they do! The serving person’s income becomes toy money compared to what their non-serving spouse brings home! So to call us all ‘dependants’ seems outdated to me. I feel like the topic of dependants could go on forever, so I’ll leave it there. What’s your take on it? Let me know on socials.

So, how do welfare units reach out to unmarried military spouses?

Well, the answer is usually they don’t. If you’ve got an issue, it’s on you to seek the support and advice yourself. Unless you’re lucky enough to have a pro-active welfare officer, the chances are they won’t ever reach you. In our first few years together, the welfare officer we had was great. He would connect with the long-term partners of serving personnel and make sure they were aware of the support available to them, despite not being in SFA.

It worked out really well for me as in 2016 my not-husband was deployed several times, meaning I was alone a lot of the time. Welfare set up a deployment group for spouses and gave us a brief on what to expect and how they could help before they deployed, as well as the opportunity to stay connected throughout. How good is that?!

But, as with everything in the military, people move on from posts, and things change. Welfare now? Never hear a peep! (Despite having an online group which should make it super easy to connect to spouses – married or otherwise!) Every unit, every location, and every service is different…but there is hope! With the military finally giving more recognition to the modern-day family, perhaps things will improve in time. Who knows?! I hear the Marines do a great job when it comes to families, so perhaps it’ll catch on.

I think I’ll end it there as I could go on all day. I’d love to hear how things are for you? Which service are you, and how do they connect with you? Married or unmarried, what’re your experiences? Head to the contact pages or get in touch on socials

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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I’ve talked before about being an unmarried military spouse but here’s a quick recap (or read the full intro here) We’ve been together for over 5 years, I am step-parent to his teen girls (13 & 15) and we’ve not tied the knot.

For a military couple, some people find this odd, but for us, it just hasn’t been an issue. We own our own home and my not-husband is stationed nearby. He has been married before and was scarred for life by the experience – okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you catch my drift. I, on the other hand have never been married, engaged, or even considered the idea.

My views on marriage aren’t complicated really, I think it’s a wonderful thing and if it suits you, do it. I grew up with unmarried parents which gave me my double-barreled surname (read more about names and marriage here). My parents did eventually marry after 34 years but it was sadly forced by the ill health of my dad who passed away just six months later (read more about that here). For them, they reached that point wondering why they hadn’t done it sooner?

Since having a baby,

I get asked a lot by the older generations, “Have you set a date now the baby is here?”, (despite not even being engaged) because ‘back in their day’ if you were ‘with child’ you’d get married…simple!

My not-husband’s late grandpa – who was in his 90s – would tell us; “When your grandmother got in the family way, I did the honourable thing“. Which of course meant marry her, so they wouldn’t have a child out of wedlock. It might be the honourable thing, but is that always the right thing?

Does doing the honourable thing mean marrying out of duty, rather than love? Do those marriages last? Do mum and dad NEED to be married? Does it create a more solid foundation? What benefits does it bring to the children or the family?

So what do I think?

I don’t think it creates a more solid foundation, no. I believe you can have an incredibly strong relationship without being married. Sometimes, getting married can actually put pressures on a relationship that wouldn’t otherwise be there! Perhaps parents or grandparents force or influence a union. And if there’s pressures, perhaps they lead to disagreements or create atmospheres, and could that ultimately lead to an unhappy home for children?

What about names?

I’ve written about those many times before (here). Prior to having our baby, I had mentioned that I was the only one in our household with my surname. My not-husband and his girls have his, and I have mine. Well, nothing has changed. I am still the odd one out!

I took real pleasure in our little boy having my name for three weeks, before registering him. Seeing his name on documents brought me great joy! It was me and my little boy, blended beautifully with his daddy and big sisters. Then came the name change and bizarrely it hit me harder than I had expected!

In the registry office, the chap asked us lots of questions, including what our baby’s surname would be. The plan was always to give him his dad’s surname but having it written and finalised made me feel really odd! We joked a lot about him having my name as it’s a big thing to me (read more here), but it was never a serious option. Despite this, the reality of it made my heart sink! Seeing it in print, all official and final really felt like he was no longer MY baby. Crazy, right?! But it really did get to me. I shared these feelings with my not-husband and he understood, which made me feel a little better about it.

I adjusted to the name change pretty quickly, and the bad feeling left me until a medical letter arrived in his new name. Seeing that gave me a pang of sadness, but it soon passed.

We then visited the doctor for his 6-week check (at 9 weeks due to Covid) and that got me once again! The doctor took our red book (baby record) and crossed out my surname and wrote his dad’s. It just felt so… I don’t know, like I was being removed somehow! Like he was erasing all trace that he was MY little boy! Again, it’s crazy I know, but that’s how it felt at the time.

So yes, the concept of marriage and name changes did cross my mind at this point. Perhaps if I had the same name as all our children, I would somehow feel more complete? But, I then ask myself, would I change my name even if we got married now? No, probably not actually. I am still proud of my name and would probably still keep it, despite being the odd one out. How I will feel when our little boy reaches school age and we have different surnames, I don’t know. But for now, I’m sticking with it!

So what about the children?

How will my little boy feel growing up knowing his mummy has a different name to him? Will he even notice or care? Do his sisters feel more connected to their new little brother because they share a name? Probably.

For me, I didn’t experience the name difference as my surname is both my parents names, so neither was left out.

Did I experience any issues with my parents not being married? No, I don’t think so? I don’t recall any problems but perhaps if I asked my mum, she might have a few. I do remember something about signing forms being difficult for dad, but I could be wrong there. It was a long time ago!

Growing up,

I’m not sure I ever noticed that my parents were not married and others were. I don’t think it meant anything to me as a child. But, being an adult, I definitely saw a different view. I guess I just turned into a hopeless romantic as I saw marriage for the joining of companions and the solidifying of love.

But it was a beautiful thing, being able to witness my parents get married after three decades together. The pride I felt and the sense of togetherness was overwhelming. It was a real family affair with my older brother giving away mum, my younger brother as best man, our girls and myself as bridesmaids, and my not-husband and sister-in-law as witnesses. It was a truly magical day and one I will cherish forever.

So for me, my parents not being married previously enabled me to share in (and help plan) the most beautiful and important day of their lives. Perhaps us not being married now, might mean that one day our children may be able to experience the same? Who knows!

But what does it mean practically?

Sure, legally it brings financial security (unless you’ve got a pre-nup) but does that only matter if you split? Or if devastatingly, one of you passes away far too early, as with my dad.

I guess if we went our separate ways then things would not be as clear cut as if we were married, but we have always said we would leave with what we came with – we’re both reasonable people. Of course situations change, like having a baby and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m an incredibly independent person. So this year, I have found it so difficult to adjust to not working or having my own income. It’s taken me nearly six years to accept ‘his money’ as ‘our money’, despite the fact we share everything. Even now, after having a baby together, I still feel uneasy using our joint card to pay for things because I didn’t earn it!

This leads me to think that if you are organised enough and have things covered, such as; life insurance policies or a will, as well as a reasonable view of your financial situation, then being married or not is irrelevant? I could be wrong! Maybe it would all go t*ts up if we decided to split. Luckily we won’t be finding out!

Since becoming a mum,

I have found my focus homed in on my own mortality far more. I worry about our little boy if anything were to happen to me! Even more so, as I’m breastfeeding, so he’s 100% reliant on me for the time being. And yes, it scares me! I get nervous about driving, not because I’m an anxious driver – I love driving – but because of the idiots on the road that I have no control over! They could rob my little boy of his mummy and there would be nothing I could do about it. These are things that never bothered me before!

Just the other day, my not-husband and I were talking about life insurance and our financial situation, should anything happen to either one of us. Granted, it isn’t the nicest of conversations to have, but it needs to be done. Being in the military comes with its owns risks for the person serving and as a family, I think it’s vital you prepare for that…whilst praying it never happens!

So yes, when viewed in that light, I do feel being married would be far more beneficial and the safer option for our little boy, but I’m still not sure it’s a necessity. We have the relevant pieces of the puzzle in place without it…I think.

But we are a military family after all, so a spanner in the works would come with an overseas posting. We’d have to be married to live overseas…or go unaccompanied again. And in that instance, we’d be marrying as a formality. And is that the right thing to do?!

So for now,

here’s where I stand. I still don’t think marriage is a necessity, even though we now have a child together. For me, it’s still just a romantic, lovely thing to do to signify your solidarity and commitment to one another.

Whilst in Scotland on our 2019 road trip, we stopped at Gretna Green (famous since 1754 for eloping couples) and added an engraved padlock to their Love Lock sign. The engraving said ‘Forever Not Husband and Not Wife‘, with our names on the back. That was our own way of signifying our love and commitment. The key to the padlock is in Loch Leven, never to be found!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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I think we’ve all questioned this at some point. Haven’t we?! “Are we ‘adulting’ correctly?!”

I glanced over at the birthday card on the fireplace whilst sipping my morning tea and it hit me! Right there, right then.

I am an actual adult! Sharing my story because I feel we all question ourselves sometimes and yet we’re all doing just fine!

The birthday card was “To my wonderful (not) Wife and Best Friend”. It suddenly dawned on me. This person in my life – my amazing not-husband – thinks the world of me. He thinks I’m great and appreciates all I do! Who’d have thought it?!

Next to his card and flowers were cards from both his children, sending their love to me on my birthday, even though I wouldn’t be seeing them for another week.

I look around and our house was in chaos because of renovations, but it’s OURS! Craziness!

I am an actual adult, living a grown up life!

“The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult…”

Definition of ‘adulting’

I’ve never paid attention to it before – the adult part to my life. I have always felt inadequate, behind somehow or just not doing it right. Society has such pressures; increasingly so with social media and it’s more important than ever to not fall foul of those.

Society suggests there are certain time frames for reaching life’s milestones or an idea of how we should be living as adults. Stereotypes and expectations suggest when we should be marrying, what type of career aspirations we should have or what age we should be having children.

But times are changing!!

Firstly, stop comparing yourself!

Comparing yourselves to others is one of the worst things you can do. Everyone is different and just because you’re not doing the same thing or at the same age doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Take me for example; 31, unmarried with 2 step children (never was that the plan, I can tell you!) Then I look at two of my friends; both married to military men, both at similar life stages, but totally different ages.

The first couple are mid-twenties, married, bought a house, have the most beautiful dog and now a newborn. The perfect life, right?!

The second is one of my closest friends, 39, step-mum to her husband’s daughter and now expecting their first baby together! They married earlier this year – the wedding I mentioned in my ‘Loss’ blog post and I couldn’t be happier for them!

I use these two friends as examples because we are all guilty of comparing ourselves to others, me included. Judging our successes by what we think we should be doing. My point here is, whether you’re 26 or 39, there’s no ‘right’ age.

Secondly, only you know what’s right for you!

Pressures will always be there; whether it’s pressure to get a ‘good job’ or to find a nice partner, or even provide your parents with grandchildren.

If I had a pound for every time my Mum asked me when she’s going to be a Nanny again, I could probably pay off the mortgage in one swift whack!

Does this concern me? Nope!

What about those nudges at weddings…? “You’re next!” or “Come on, I need a new hat!“.

We can then go to the other end of the scale, which I know a lot of military wives get. “Aren’t you too young to be getting married?!”

If it feels right for you then that’s all that matters! Society doesn’t need an opinion on our lives and how we live them.

A ‘responsible’ adult, ‘adulting’?

According to various informal definitions, ‘adulting’ is the actions characteristic of someone responsible. Scary hey?!

The word ‘adulting’ is often miused (if a made up word can be so) and is used to describe mundane but necessary tasks like cooking or cleaning, as being ‘adulting’. Being a responsible adult is a very different thing, or at least it is in my view.

I certainly hadn’t felt much like a responsible adult for the most part of my twenties – despite leaving home at 18. By my mid-twenties, I had lived alone, been to uni, had various jobs; yet I still didn’t feel like I was an adult and definitely not ‘adulting’ – whatever that was!

So at 27 when I became a step-mum to 2 pre-teen girls. (Yes, that IS as bad as it sounds!) I didn’t think I was prepared for this life at all! Never, ever, did I think I would even consider this as a way of life!

I met my wonderful not-husband, ‘Mr S’ online (as many of us do these days) and had vowed not to date anyone with children (or an ex-wife).

Well I royally f****d that one up didn’t I?!

But everything happens for a reason, right?!

I wanted an easy life. One with potential to go somewhere. My head said, “Don’t go there!“, my heart said “Give it a chance!“.

I went there!

We saw each other a fair bit (when he wasn’t away on exercise or something more interesting!), we spent various weekends together on and off base, making the most of the time he was around.

After a while, I met his kids. I was bricking it if I’m honest! I really liked this guy but, “what if his kids hated me?” “What if they couldn’t accept their dad being with someone who wasn’t their mum?!”. The many scenarios went through my mind. How we’d have to end this whole thing, or keep our lives separate from the kids, or see one another in secret. I think I feared the rejection from them more than anything!

But, they were amazing and so accepting of me. They were just happy to see their dad happy for once and at 8 & 9, I thought that was very grown up of them too!

All was going well then 9 months in – Bang! Our first deployment arrived, ready to try and destroy us. Absolutely not! We were already incredibly strong and knew we’d make this work.

Summer 2016, I was handling a deployment, maintaining bonds with my not-husband’s kids and his parents, planning stuff for when Mr S returned, putting money aside for various things…Was THIS ‘adulting’?

I had doubted this relationship and its lifestyle from the start, but it was working! More than working, we were smashing it!

So how about now?!

By late 2016, we were into our second deployment (yep, another one straight after!) and we’d been looking to buy a house together. That’s pretty adult, right?

We’d looked at so many properties online and nothing was grabbing us, although we weren’t in a rush, we were craving our own space. I’d moved back with my parents to save some money and when not away, he was living on base. Whilst in Canada, Mr S sent me a link for a house and asked me to check it out. Long story short, we now live in it! (See deployment post for the full story)

Buying a house whilst he was deployed had its own problems, most notable – the time difference. He was 7 hours behind which meant any correspondence was an extra working day. By the time I’d spoken to him, the estate agent/solicitors/surveyors had closed for the day and so it continued.

Mr S was in a front line squadron so he was away A LOT, leaving me to handle home life alone.

When Mr S returned, we exchanged and moved in March 2017. Now here’s where life changed dramatically for me. I was now doing school runs Friday evenings and Monday mornings. I’d find myself cooking for three or four (as opposed to cereal for dinner), ironing uniforms or sat watching a school play without my not-husband. He’d be overseas and I’d be sat in an awful assembly wondering how my life got to this point?!

How much more adult can you get?! Surely THIS was adulting?

Yet I STILL doubt myself!

A couple of weeks back, I was holding ‘stuff’ (aka jumpers they refuse to wear, a rock they took a liking to in the car park and what was left of my sanity) whilst the kids took part in a Harry Potter broomstick ‘flying’ lesson, being told to ‘ooh‘ and ‘aah‘ by the crazy lady leading it!

“HOW ON EARTH DID I END UP HERE?!“

That was one of those moments where I questioned everything – just for a second! If you’d have asked me four years ago, if I’d be standing at a Harry Potter event (totally not my thing), ‘oohing and aahing’ at a fake flying lesson…I’d have told you not to be so ridiculous!

Being a step-mum was never something I planned for. I had no idea about being a parent, never mind being one to TWO hormonal pre-teen girls!

BUT! We’re now just a normal family, I don’t see them as ‘his kids’ (unless they’re channelling their inner tw*t, then they can be HIS!). They’re OUR kids and we do normal family stuff. Hearing the kids say to their friends, “this is my step-mum“, still freaks me out a bit, but I feel honoured to have been accepted into their lives so readily.

I question if I’m actually ‘adulting’, but I must be? I keep these teenagers alive, Mr S hasn’t left me for a more competent human and I haven’t burnt the house down…yet!

Statistics…do these show us as nation to be ‘adulting’?

If you take a look at the graphic here, the UK ranks slightly below the EU average for age to leave home. The statistic for men vs woman is aged 27.6 and 25.2 respectively. By that stat, I was way ahead as I left home at 18.

We could go one further and compare this to the 1960’s, where 62% of 18-34 year olds were living as married or co-habiting in their own home, compared to just 31% now. Of course many social and economic factors play a role but let’s not get too deep here.

Compare all this alongside ages for having children and we see more people now than ever aren’t having their first children until their thirties. In the early 1990’s, my Mum was horrified to be pregnant again (her 3rd, my brother) at the age of 30! She felt people would think “she should know better!” for being an ‘older’ mother.

But how normal is it now, that my friend at 39 is having her first. Society is fluid and opinions change over time. It is no longer seen as ‘older mother’ past 30, more ‘the norm’ (since writing this, I became a mother at 32). Just because society suggests one opinion right now, doesn’t mean it will stay that way!

What makes you feel like an adult? Do you feel like you’ve nailed the art of ‘adulting’? Are you expecting a baby but don’t feel like a ‘real grown-up’ yet? I’d love to hear from you!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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I’ve seen many articles about the origins of a name but I want to explore the ‘tradition’ of women taking their husband’s surname after marriage.

With changing times, has it lost its favour? Is it still as important and is it acceptable for a man to take his wife’s name instead?

For me, it’s been a topic of much debate with my own not-husband on many occasions. He is a very traditional man, proud of his male lineage and believes strongly in passing down his family name.

Unfortunately, I too am proud of my surname and hate the idea of losing it! Luckily we aren’t planning to get hitched so it’s not an issue (and the name of this blog is safe), but that doesn’t stop us discussing it hypothetically now does it?

But why the dilemma?

My surname is unique! I am the only person with MY name and I love that!

My surname is in fact double-barrelled (no, I’m not posh) I just have two names as one. They’re both unusual so there are no other families with that combination. Only my brother and mother share it with me.

My parent’s decision to hyphenate my surname was due to their own situation; not through inherited wealth or nobility, as once would have been the case.

My parents were unmarried and chose to give their children both surnames, rather than choose between one or the other. It wasn’t until my parents married (due to Dad’s terminal illness) in November 2018, that my mum joined my younger brother and I, in sharing our surname. My mum too lost her father at a young age, so retaining his name was important to her also.

My older brother however, has only our Mum’s surname, as he’s the last male carrying that name down the line. If he’s does not have children (presumably passing down the name) then that name ends with him. Even more reason for me to keep mine, right?!

“Four Names?!”

Triple and quadruple barrelled surnames are pretty rare but they do exist. Ex-army officer and now Dorset MP, Richard Drax is actually the holder of four surnames. His full name is Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax. You can see why he drops the other three for official business!

His name developed over the years, right back as far as the 1500’s, passed down through the inheritance of the Charborough Estate in Dorset, South West England.

In fact ‘Drax’, the name the MP now uses, did not come into play until the 1700’s, when a man named Thomas Shatterden took his wife’s name (yes, this isn’t something new!) after she became heiress of Charborough House.

In those days, men would see no problem in taking the name of his wife, as social class out-ranked gender. And in fact entire families would adopt the name of the estate they were marrying into, to improve status.

So why is it seen as a negative thing in our modern world if a man takes his wife’s name? Men who do so are sometimes perceived as ‘passive’ or ‘more feminine‘. It is estimated that only around 3% of men are taking their wife’s name after marriage. Perhaps some don’t know it’s even an option?!

On a side note, I’ve visited the Charborough Estate – Highwood Gardens, on a charity open day for SSAFA, if you get the chance, go have a peak, especially when the bluebells are out! The photo for The Not Wife Life was taken there. It’s a beautiful sight!

But what are the options for a new name?

So back to names and this brings me to the situation where a person with a double barreled surname, meets someone who already has two names (or four!). What happens then? As we’ve discussed, having multiple barreled names is an option but doesn’t that just complicate life?

Or what about people like myself who were given a hyphenated surname at birth, rather than choosing to use one after marriage?

Deed Poll suggests there’s no limit on how many names a person can have, however; most official documents such as your passport or driving licence only allow up to 30 characters. Now mine is already 24 characters including the hyphen, so if I were to add my not-husband’s surname too, I’d be using 32! Nightmare! (Besides, it’d sound crap anyway, sorry darling!)

It would simply become an official nod to my husband and not used day to day, so what would be the purpose?

Some countries recognise common-law ‘marriages’; namely Canada and around half of the states in America. This is usually a couple who have lived together for more than one year and present themselves publicly as husband and wife.

In Canada, for federal purposes such as obtaining a passport, either spouse can assume the surname of the other, if in a legally recognised common law relationship. Couples can then pick a name without the pressures of traditional post-marriage name etiquette.

But how do you choose?!

Sadly for my not-husband, I’m all for women retaining their maiden name (much to his disgust!) or using a double surname to acknowledge both sides.

Some people turn one surname into a middle name, but again for me, it just wouldn’t sound right. Others create an entirely new surname, made by combining their two names. Whereas, some with existing doubles drop one name and double the other with their new surname.

But which do you drop?! Which is deemed less important? How do people choose?!

Take me for example. My mother’s surname is first, my father’s is second, coupled with a hyphen (hyphens look like – that, not an apostrophe ‘ or a comma, or anything else…I’ve had them all!).

As I said earlier, my Mum’s surname ends with my older brother as she is an only child and female. Yet my brother may not continue the name (sadly) which would make it more important for me to keep the first part of my name.

However;

It’s not that simple! The second half of my surname is that of my father, who I sadly lost only a few months ago (You can read about my journey through grief here) So for me, retaining that in honour of my wonderful and amazing Dad is crucial. I hold no loving ties to his side of the family so it’s purely the link to my Dad that counts. If he was still with us, would I consider dropping his name…maybe!

Sorry darling not-husband, looks like I’d be sticking with mine and you’d be sticking with yours. Which of course is not unusual in married couples; some women continue to use their maiden name for work purposes. Particularly in the case of professionals such as doctors or teachers who may have been widely known by that name prior to marriage.

Where did surnames come from?

In England, the adopting of surnames began in the 9th century under the English Common Law, ‘doctrine of coverture‘. In this, women lacked independent legal identity from their husband. Women were regarded as ‘property’, passed from father to husband.

Names in general originated from simply identifying the difference between one person and another, or the place they lived. For example, Baker, Butcher, Smith, Hill or Green. John (the) Baker was then easily distinguishable from John (the) Butcher.

The UWE completed a four year study on the origins of names (11-19th century) and found most of England were using surnames by the 15th century, but it was King Henry VIII that ordered martial births to be recorded by father’s surnames.

Traditions

I think it’s fair to say that some women have continued taking their husband’s surnames as ‘it’s tradition’. But what about other traditional aspects? There are many patriarchal marital traditions, such as ‘giving away the bride’ or even before that, by asking the father’s permission to marry. Are these things are still important within the Western culture, are they losing popularity too, or are they just not as widely acknowledged?

There are of course situations – like mine – where Dads aren’t around to fulfill those traditions. Some women chose to have their mother or perhaps grandfather walk them down the aisle, or like my Mum – her eldest son.

Historically, when fathers weren’t around and a child needed naming, the women would use the less common matronymic form of creating a surname. This means using a name derived from the mother or another female ancestor, just as you would patronymically (eg: Williamson – son of William). For women it is slightly different, for example; Emmett comes from the female name Emma, or Madison from the name Maud.

Confusion!

So, with names having so many origins and meanings, what do they ACTUALLY mean?

Names can symbolise wealth, connections or a new union. They may even hold a sense of pride, belonging, or a link to family heritage. My not-husband for example, has a surname of Irish decent – which itself has been modified from its original form. So if I were to take his surname, people may assume I am of Irish decent which would be untrue. It has no connection for me, other than being with someone who has a link to Ireland from a couple of generations ago.

Here I want to throw in another curve ball! What about a name change without a marriage? A friend of mine changed her surname to that of her long-term partner after many years living together. They had agreed they would never marry, but wanted some kind of union and a name change was it. Everything remains separate and there would be no messy legal stuff if things don’t work out. She’d probably just revert back to her original surname. Simple?!

Other unmarried couples I know have come to blows over baby’s name. Whose surname should be chosen? Some people believe the father gives the child his name as a way of forming a connection, as the mother formed her bond whilst carrying the child.

Some mothers with children from previous relationships choose to keep their maiden name when remarrying, so that the older child is not left with the odd name out.

In my house, I am the odd one out. My not-husband and his two children have their surname and I have my own. If we were to have a child, my not-husband is adamant s/he would take his surname, so I would still be greatly outnumbered!

So what do you think?

It still seems like the burden is on the woman to change her surname after marriage. Nugent (2010) wrote a paper on surnames (specifically the predominance of using the father’s surname) and called it a ‘Moral Dilemma’. She concluded the female had a moral dilemma of self vs family. The paper also suggested that a woman keeping her birth surname was selfish and antagonistic towards her family.

I disagree here! I believe we should all have the freedom to choose, whether we are male or female. This is highlighted of course in same-sex relationships! Why should your gender determine your surname?

Let me know what you think. I could go on all day, exploring different countries, cultures and traditions but you’d lose interest and this post would be even longer than it already is!

Have you kept your surname? Are you a man who took your wife’s surname? Are you a same-sex couple and married? Whose surname did you choose? Get in touch, I’d love to hear your stories

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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You know, those weird ass, mostly nonsense thoughts you have sometimes, where you wonder if anyone else thinks these things…

Well I’m here to tell you they do!

It’s hard isn’t it?

Life!

Having entered the over 30’s category as an unmarried military spouse, I decided a blog might be a good idea (and now a podcast!)

I question everything and try to find my own logic through it. I figured if I write and just one person can relate (and feel a little more ‘normal‘) or learn something new, then my work here is done.

So who am I really? – Not just a military spouse!

Well, I’m no-one special. I live in a little village in the UK, ‘not married’ to a long-serving army man and have been for over five years now.

What I write isn’t fact, neither is it fiction, it is simply what I know, think and feel. Sharing my experiences with you in the hope you’ll relate; or at least have a new insight into the world of someone else.

I recently had a baby boy in a global pandemic (read about that here) which was pretty traumatic! (I’ll write about it when I feel strong enough to re-live it!) But he is amazing, so all is forgiven! He has two older sisters from my not-husband, and thankfully they love him very much…phew!

So what do I do when I’m not writing?

Well, I used to ‘workout’ twice a week at a military style (veteran owned) bootcamp and do things like walk Mount Snowdon just for fun. I loved to push my limits and really challenge myself fitness wise, but then a baby came along and all that had to stop (more about that here). Leaving your comfort zone now and then is great soul food and I can’t wait to get back to it!

I’m an animal lover with four dogs, yes – four! So you’ll probably find me out walking most days (which has been great during all of the UK Lockdowns). I crave the outdoors and particularly love the coast.

Professionally, I am part qualified as a counsellor, but Baby and a pandemic also put that on hold…so that’s ‘To Be Continued’. Although, I am qualified as a Mental Health First Aider with a focus on the Military Community.

I experience anxiety myself (notice I don’t use the word suffer!) and have had bouts of depression, but why should I let that hold me back from anything? The crazy thoughts are still there, I have just learnt to cope with them more easily. (Credit to my lovely counsellor – more about her another day!)

What else can I tell you?

Well, I’m fiercely independent! Not in a feminist way, I’ve just always wanted to do things for myself and not depend on anyone. (which is ironic as military spouses are known as ‘dependants’). But that isn’t always a good idea! There are times in life where we all need someone. Whether that’s your spouse, parent or a good friend, you need someone you can be your true self with.

I know this all too well, having ridden the emotional roller-coaster that was losing my amazing dad to a terminal illness. Read that one here.

So why am I The Not-Wife?

Well, the urban dictionary says,

“Your female partner, life partner, significant other who you are not married to but eternally committed to…“

Urban Dictionary

So I guess that’s the answer really. The commitment without the commitment? We live together, I am step-mum (urgh, that word!) to his two children, we now have a child together and we share everything as any married couple would.

Being in the military, everyone assumes you’re already married, which of course many are due to the demands of forces life. But I’ve been asked by welfare or at events like families day, “What’s your surname?” and that doesn’t work when you don’t have his name. What they’re actually asking is, who are you with or who are you linked to? (Click here to read my post about why women take their husband’s surname after marriage)

And why AREN’T we hitched?

Well, because he was scarred for life by the previous one! He’s quite rightfully fearful of another union since the first one ended badly. But he knows we’re not all the same! We are the best of friends, we never argue (we disagree, of course, but I just tell him he’s a dick wrong and we move on hehehe) and we have a ton of fun together.

So, until my wonderful not-husband is brave enough to commit again, I shall forever be his not-wife (which is a good thing because then I’d have to rename this entire blog!)

Whilst on our road trip to Scotland in our motorhome, we stopped at Gretna Green and added an engraved padlock to their ‘love lock’ sign. The engraving said ‘Not Husband & Not Wife’, with our names on the back.

Marriage Stats

What I find interesting though, is the divorce rate in the UK is at a 40 year low, with around 42% of marriages ending in divorce (in 2017 – stats aren’t updated that often apparently). Isn’t that still an incredibly high number?! Almost half of all marriages won’t work out?! Why is that?

What there aren’t statistics for, are long term, committed relationships – like the one I’m in – that end after years of a joint life. Do they last longer? Or do they just dissolve without anyone batting an eyelid?!

Although there are no official figures on second marriages and divorce rates, the Marriage Foundation suggests only 31% of second marriages ends in divorce. Which is good news right? Perhaps in your second marriage you learn to overcome issues more easily and make an extra effort to stay committed? Or is it that the first person wasn’t right for you or it happened a little too quickly. Or maybe too young? The possibilities are endless and every relationship is different, so how can we possibly conclude why second marriages are more successful?!

Military Life and Marriage

In my time as a military spouse, I am very aware that many forces relationships are dictated by the serving persons work life, which can sometimes lead to couples getting a shotgun wedding.

Now this doesn’t mean it is in any way rushed, it simply means that postings hours from home or overseas, deployments or training courses can often bring forward an already planned wedding. Some couples choose to have a simple signing of the register ceremony (the official bit) in order to be together sooner, with a bigger (not always) celebration and/or blessing at a more convenient time. Postings can dictate where you and your family will live and for how long, and that becomes a whole lot easier once you’ve signed that little book!

The military and us…

Loving someone who serves can be incredibly difficult at times, but it’s so worth it! We may spend three months or more apart due to a deployment, but that just makes every day we do spend together all the more precious!

For us, we bought our own house a few years ago, twenty minutes from camp and have settled in a place we both wanted to live. Luckily, we were at a point where we wouldn’t necessarily need to move anywhere (at least not for a while anyway) so it was an easy choice to make.

However; things do change (forces life is ALWAYS changing – learn to expect the unexpected!) and we ended up ‘weekending‘ in 2019.

Weekending? What’s that?

It just means the serving person is away during the week and only home at weekends.

Yes, it sucks!

That Sunday night “he’s leaving again” feeling, coupled with the Friday afternoon “shit, he’ll be back soon and the house is a tip” rush. EVERY WEEK! We were 180 miles apart, but thankfully it only lasted three months!

Weekending certainly has its own highs and lows, like any long distance relationship (more here). You still experience all that life has to throw at you; from love, to loss, to celebration and joy; you just have to learn to experience those things on your own.

Modern technology has of course made military life way easier and more bearable. Being able to see and talk to (when the connection actually works!) to someone the other side of the world is just amazing!! Sharing those moments helps you stay connected over the miles.

Over and Out

Well, that’s it from me,

Check out my Instagram for updates!

See you soon and stay strong whatever you’re going through!

Are you a fellow military spouse? What do you love or hate about military life? Are you living with someone but as of yet, unmarried? What contributed to your decision not to marry?

Head to my contact page and get in touch!

Over and Out,

The Not Wife

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